On the first night she’d slept down in the living room with the Grey Lady. She’d tried to sleep in her bedroom, but couldn’t make herself. That room had been her parents. It looked nothing like it had then, but that memory was still there. Not wanting to call anyone to help her, she’d changed that room the next morning with the one at the head of the stairs where someone had placed a boxing bag and other things she had no idea what to do with or where to put because they were well intentioned, but did not fit her personality. Alexandra was such a diverse town that there were actually many things like that, so the room that had been her parents became almost literally a spare room. Someday she told herself she would go through the things and either kindly return or sell off anything that didn’t fit, but until then, it wasn’t like she needed that room.
The day after she returned to her house from jail, she started a new account at the new credit union, helped by Natalie Sokol. The new manager there, Sharon Lancaster, had taken care of the business personally, and in no time, the remaining 2,639 CAD earned at the fundraiser was securely divided between a checking account and a savings account. The Grey Lady stayed near Kira the entire time. Afterwards, she had thanked Natalie and said goodbye as the attorney was returning to the mainland, although she said she would likely return for visits.
Once she could sleep in her new bedroom, which had not been her old bedroom before Jack Rose, she did so with the door open. She left all of the doors open except, of course, the front and back door. Even the bathroom door remained open if she was in it and no other humans were in the house. She’d known renovating her house wouldn’t heal her … she doubted her behavior would be different if the town had given her a brand new house that had not even existed when she’d been attacked. Nothing was that easy.
Kira had learned that there were several families that had moved in since the Fog had lifted. People that did not know her except for what they had been told or read about. New beginnings, and Kira liked that idea.
Walking The Grey Lady was a pleasure. They did not walk, so much as jog. At first it was three times a day, Among the clothes donated as a light grey sweat suit that amused Kira because it was almost the same grey as the Weimaraner, which was, she’d been told by Theo Alvin, The Grey Lady’s breed. And it explained her eyes, which had almost immediately changed from a bluish amber to complete amber the first night. She’d lost herself in the Internet and research, ultimately buying several large floor pillows so the Grey lady could sleep nearly anywhere in the house that Kira was.
They didn’t immediately create an established walking pattern, especially as Kira started working at The Farm a couple of days after she got out of jail. It was there that Kira met Avery Peterson. The women had been neither immediately warm nor immediately cold, but perfectly neutral to each other. What mattered to Kira was that the Grey Lady seemed to like Avery, which was a good barometer in her opinion. The Grey Lady also seemed to like the man who had come out from town to deliver things, Angel Negron.
Avery Peterson was up and ready for Kira when she arrived with The Grey Lady. She was at the picnic table with a thermos of coffee and two enamel camping mugs as well as gear laid out for Kira. There were rubber boots in what she assumed were close to Kira’s size, some work gloves and a garden trowel, a medium sized bucket, a water bottle already filled from the rain barrel, a bandana to keep the sun off and a curious old flowered apron with many little pockets in rows. When Kira arrived she pet Grey as the dog approached her and greeted with wagging and face licking. Avery, as usual, is wearing a variation on the same outfit. Today she has a grey tank top with her khaki cargo pants and work boots. Her hair is in a braid down her neck and upper back and she has a red bandanna on to keep off the sun.
“Oh hello Grey Lady…...help yourself to a coffee Kira. We’ll get a meal after the morning’s chores. You get to make some chicken friends today. We best keep Grey out of the coop in case she’s a bird chaser.” She gestures at the apron with the little pockets “Guess what those are for?”
Kira moved to the table as the Grey Lady said her hellos and headed on what was becoming after a few days on the job a habitual jog around the edge of the farm. By now Kira felt secure enough, but a dog like hers needed as much exercise as possible, so she didn't call her back. She had learned from Avery the best way to dress and was in worn dark blue cargos, with plenty of pockets and a black tank. She looks at the aprons' little pockets and tries to remember anything she could about chickens in literature. “Isn’t that where they put the bird seed?” she considers a second and corrects herself. “No, the chicken feed it’s called, right?”
Avery actually gives a little grin and does her best Gullum voice “Eggses precious!” She laughs “You put the eggs in the little pockets. Frees up your hands. Morgan had a few of them that Sunny made. We will take them some feed and water too but I can do that part while you collect eggs. Now you’ll see obvious eggs all around, especially where they roost but if they’re sitting on eggs….you need to life the chicken up. I’ll be honest, they don’t like it.” She gestures with her hands now, making one into a beaky head and showing what to do with the other “Grab and lift them up by the neck right under the beak...if they’re really pecking you can even put your fingers around the beak too. Then just reach under them. I’ll show you how to wash the eggs after.” Avery takes a bucket from beside her of grains and seed “Fill your bucket with water and we’ll be off.” She stands up and head juts at the rain barrel.
Kira’s mouth makes a little ‘O’ and she realizes the pockets were awfully big to hold feed. “OK, I’ll do my best.” she puts the apron on and grins. It’s oddly cute. She goes to fill her bucket and heads for the coops. Avery was right, most of the eggs were easy enough to find, but the last bunch was harder. She remembers the instructions and gets the eggs, only being pecked lightly once. Didn’t even break the skin. She blows out a breath, happy she isn’t bleeding. “In the books .. well the old ones .. it’s always a basket you put the eggs in.”
Avery dumps in the water into some low wide pans and the hens crowd around. She shrugs “You can use a basket for sure but this ends up with less breakage because they’re not piled all in together. Although one day…” She starts laughing “I forgot I was still wearing the apron when my Dad showed up with some stuff for me...and I hugged him. We both got yolked. So no hugging with eggs!” She grabs the feed pail and opens the coop door right up “Ok this part’s fun. Take a handful and throw it out there.” She takes one of her own as well. When Kira throws the hens will stampede out after the grains and go a bit wild competing for the best bits.
Kira giggles at the egg breaking story. “No worries. I only hug Grey .. well and Sajani, but I don't’ think she’d be out here a bunch, between her boyfriend and her nose.” She copies and tosses the feed and watches the chaos. A smile comes across her face. “This IS fun. Man I almost forgot that it felt like. Fun.” and she does it again, just to watch.
Avery tosses too and laughs watching the chickens go “It’ll get old for them eventually. But just wait until we find them a mouse. Did you say Sajani? You know Patrick’s my brother right? Pat AND Chris obviously. I’m not sure anyone told you my last name. What’s wrong with Sajani’s nose? To hear Patty talk you’d think every part of her was perfection….and well she is cute. I’ll give him that.”
Kira is still smiling. “Well I ill enjoy every time until it DOES get old.” it’s near a promise. “And yes. Sajani SIngh .. not that there are a lot of Sajani’s on the island .. and I did know Patrick was your brother. And Chris.” she giggles. “Sajani’s got a very sensitive nose, but is very polite about it, at least with me since she let me in her house at my worst. But … Patrick adores her, so that nose is probably perfection. Have you seen them together? Yea … it’s pretty obvious how he feels.”
Avery smiles genuinely now “I’m glad they’re happy...both my brothers are right now. And she sounds like a good friend. Something in the water..” She jokes. “Alright, let’s go wash those eggs. We Collect cartons by the way so if you have friends or neighbours, hit them up. Better to reuse. And we’re starting to get a little low….Mom says I should do a twitter for this place. We could also use scraps for the pigs and goats. The pigs are new…..piglets...did I show you those already? We’ve had a few restaurants donate to the pig feed...which is good because they just fucking eat.”
Kira nods. “Maybe I’ll get some now I’m hooked back up.” she jokes. Then she shrugs and bites her lips. “I .. don't have a lot of friends.” she admits. “Or the whole town is my friend. I don’t know which …” she arches her brow. “That might not be a bad idea. A .. Twitter.. Maybe I can get the restaurants to donate more now they … well … don’t have to feed me anymore.” She is both shy, ashamed and accepting of it.
Avery smiles a bit. She felt sympathetic that Kira’s life was so exposed to everyone but glad people are being kind. “I did know about you before you came out here...the radio and whatnot...and Twitter. Seems Alexandra’s social media of choice. And hey you got some good eats….that’s always cool. Embrace it for all the years you’ll have to cook.” She can see the shame. It was surely bittersweet. She walks with Kira to the long sectioned off pens by the gardens where there are 4 piglets in the first section “All girls because they’re controlling the breeding...just testing. But they’re diggers, natural little plows. Aww look at them….” The pigs race to them and start wagging thier curly tails and snuffling “Supposed to be smarter than dogs but don’t tell Grey.”
Kira nods. So her story had even made it out here to Alexandra’s version of the middle of nowhere. “Yea. I have been living on microwave meals, but sooner or later I’m going to touch the stove and see if I remember how to work one.” She looks at the pigs. They were cute and that surprised her. “Aww. And I don't tell Grey. I think she’d disagree and this is not the place for that debate.” but she grins looking at the pigs.
Avery nods “Sometimes I miss having a microwave.” Avery looks at Kira, feeling bad that her trauma is so exposed to the world and here she gets to hide out from hers. So she offers an olive branch of sorts “Kira, I followed you in the news for a reason. Jack …...messed up my life the same way he did yours. But I know your parents took off on you too and that’s unbelievable. I realize I’m pretty lucky to have mine...and my brothers….” She exhales. It’s out there now.
Kira was still looking at the pigs when Avery comes out with her Jack connection. She closes her eyes for a long time. “You …. You said no hugging with the eggs.” one tear escapes, but it seems she has it under control. “I’m sorry.” she whispers. “I should have acted sooner.” and she clears her throat again, determined not to cry.
Avery has to chuckle at the egg hugging comment. She understands the sentiment. She feels her own eyes water and shakes her head “You had no idea Kira...no one did. Please don’t be sorry for his choices...ever.” She doesn’t hug because of the eggs but she does reach out and try to squeeze Kira’s hand in comfort and solidarity “I don’t blame you, or anyone else he ddi this too...I just blame him.”
Kira scoffs and then sighs and then parrots Avery. “You had no idea. No one did.” she squeezes the hand back. “I still go back and forth .. blaming him and blaming myself. He .. used to see me in the streets and put a finger to his lips. Or place his hand around his throat, but I knew it was my throat.” she blows out a breath. “I just want to heal enough to be normal. I can’t be like I was before … I have my own new normal to deal with now.” she squeezes her hand again, feeling a little more connected and glad of it, even on the job.
“I know…” is all Avery can offer. She does know, at least some of it. “This is a safe place. You know we were his next door neighbours...so I can’t go home. But Dad says they’re tearing down that house...the Rose house. I get why you did what you did Kira. Believe me it crossed my mind a thousand times. We’ll work on it together...this new normal..whatever the fuck normal is…” She sniffs and laughs sardonically and then squeezes Kira’s hand one more time before letting go.
Kira gets a little excited. “You CAN go home, Avery. He’s dead and the house is being torn down.” she pauses. “But I get it. I really do.” She enjoys the hand squeeze and rolls her shoulders. “Chickens and pigs … what’s next? Dare I ask?” she laughs slightly.
Avery nods slowly “Maybe. I think Dad’s trying to sell our house….” She looks down at the egg filled apron “Washing eggs and then holy shit breakfast. I’m starved. Eggs maybe?” She smiles and lets go of Kira’s hand starting to walk toward the trailer. Behind them, a woman’s voice chimes in.
“How about an omelette girls?” It was Lauren, Avery’s mother, holding a big bunch of fresh cut spinach. “I’m hungry too.”
Kira smiles. “That might be best. I can only stand my house now because it doesn’t look like it did, if that makes sense.” she smiles at both eggs and omelets. “Hey Lauren. Spinach omelet sounds perfect. A soft bark heralds the return of Grey, who greets everyone like an old friend and settles into Kira’s side.
Avery walks along after giving the dog a little scratch. When they get to the picnic tables Morgan is sitting there smoking a big fat joint. He gives a little nod looking red eyed and content. His hands shake badly but less as he smokes more. He gets nosed by the dog and pets her with a bony hand “Hello Friend….” He sees the spinach “Brilliant….can I have a handful of those greens Lauren.
Lauren snorts “We’re going to cook but if you desperately have the munchies…” She pulls away a chunk and passes it to him.
Morgan takes it and overs the joint “Payment?”
Lauren shrugs and takes a puff “Fair enough. Good to see you out.” She passes it back.
Morgan offers it towards Kira casually.
Avery scolds him and her mother “Um you guys have heard of Covid 19 right? We shouldn’t all be putting our mouths on the same shit…”
“Oh it’s just Morgan..” Lauren protests.
“And then you kiss Dad when he shows up….and he works in town….don’t be idiots. Kira don’t take that. If you want to smoke up we can roll you one.” She goes to fill a bucket with water and comes back with it and a cloth as well as some egg cartons. “OK so basically we just wipe them off.” She gestures at the apron “Pass me an egg and I’ll show you…” When she has an egg she’ll gesture “All this brown crap….well some of it is crap but mostly it’s fluid, they call it bloom. You just want to wipe it off, don’t soak them or it can pass through the membrane. Just wipe and, lay them gently to dry for a minute and then they can go in a carton.”
Kira looks at Morgan, curiously, but as Grey didn’t react negatively, she relaxes. She’s never seen him before and wonders if he is pre or post Fog. But she shakes her head at Avery. “I don’t smoke.” she says. “But Avery is right. You don’t want Covid-19. I had it. Thought I was gonna die.” she doesn't tell them how upset she was that she didn’t die, but Avery might know it by instinct almost. She pays attention on how to clean the eggs and does it, quietly listening to the conversation as she fills up cartons.
Avery looks surprised at Kira “Wow you just couldn’t catch a break.” She thinks of the irony wondering if Kira had had the same amount of wanting to die as she did. She figured she probably did, Then she shoots a look at her mother as if to say See? She closes up the cartons and arranges them as Kira fills them.
Lauren takes a carton “Alright alright...honestly we’re so remote I tune it all out. But you’re both right. I’m going to take one of these and cook for us.” She goes into the trailer with some eggs and the spinach.
Morgan keeps smoking for a while and then answers “When it’s time for me to go back to the earth I’ll just lie down and let the good mother take me...I’ve had good times, bad times, nothing times…..” He has a sudden look of dawning at Kira “I don't think we’ve met. I’m Morgan...Morgan Wright.”
Kira shrugs. “Six years and .. not a single break.” she looks at Morgan and giggles a little bit, pleased she does that so much here. “I’m Kira. Kira Delmonaco.” and she waits … for him to recognise her name.
Avery stacks some of the cartons and frowns a bit. Kira really did have it worse than any of them most likely. She listens to Morgan’s fatalist stoner rant and rolls her eyes. Sometimes he could be a bit much for her. But she also felt sorry for him.
Morgan nods slowly and the name works its way through the layers “Kira Delmonaco...oh….oh” He connects and then looks pained “Peace and love to you Kira Delmonaco.” is all he says and then he stands up and teeters aay slowly, finishing his joint.
Avery snorts “Fuckin stoners…” She says with a laugh.
Kira just nods as Morgan recognises her, offers her peace and love and wanders off. “Even the old crazy man in the lighthouse has heard of me.” she sighs. “well, they can all catch me growing no, right?” She smiles and continues her chore.
“Thankfully he’s harmless...but he’s really not well and smoking way more than he used to to cover it. He’s got that shaking disease I think...Parkinsons. He’s got a daughter in town. I don’t know if she knows how bad he’s gotten...it’s been a bit fast.” She looks at Kira “this is a good place to do that.”
Lauren comes out with two plates of omelette and toast each with a fork. She’s added mushrooms, garlic and goat cheese in with the spinach as well as some chopped tomato. “Farm workers, break and eat. I’ll go get mine and more coffee and join you.” Lauren walks back in and out with those things “I saw Morgan go so I didn’t make him a plate but I’ve got some extra if he comes back.”
Avery smiles “Thanks Mom, this looks amazing. Hey did you know Kira is friends with Patrick’s girlfriend Sajani?” She looks between them and then takes a bite.
Kira looks after Morgan. “Shouldn’t someone tell her?” she asks. The food comes out and Kira realises that she is indeed hungry. “That looks amazing, Lauren.” the Grey Lady sits and stays near, just in case. She nods. “I also was supposed to go out with Patrick in high school but he stood me up .. and then I found out Sajani had a crush on him .. which was fine because I didn't wait well back then.” she giggles and digs into the omelete.
Lauren nods “I’ve been thinking I would...they have a complicated relationship but he’s still her father.” She laughs about Patrick “Well I’m sorry, my son has a different relationship...with time.”
Avery nods “Yep...always late. Although apparently that’s ok with Sajani, after they managed to actually have a date. He’ll just have to marry her….” She jokes.
Lauren scoffs “Well first I’d like to meet her properly. Stuart seems to be the favoured parent this year. Although…” She breaks off laughing and then decides against going on.
Avery snorts “Patrick told me...and remember Kira and Sajani are FRIENDS!” She laughs a bit and then throws up her hands “Oh what the hell….she’s probably told you….my Dad walked in on them doing some weird yoga sex thing. So Mom, let that be a lesson that you want Dad to field those for you.”
Kira laughs softly. “Oh it’s alright. He was still a good friend. And ….” Avery tells about the weirs yoga sex thing and Kira’s eyes grow large. “She. Did. Not. Tell. me.” she breathes in disbelief. “Oh Sajani would never talk about that. She had enough trouble telling me she was having sex ith Patrick in the first place. Admitting it got … yoga … and that someone walked in on them.” she covers her mouth in something like amused horror. “Oh my god.” she backs a laugh, trying to hold it in. “Oh that’s priceless.” she cannot stop giggling for anything.
Avery snorts from laughing so hard “Don’t tell her I told you. She’ll never come out here.”
Lauren chuckles “Well I’m glad they’re healthy in all ways. We don’t have many secrets in this family after all. What else is on the farm agenda ladies?”
Avery recovers “We'll always always weeding, Feeding goats and pigs...after the restaurants drop off. I think we’re supposed to get a drop off today. Toilets I already did but I can explain where to dump and what’s ready compost and what’s not to be touched.”
It takes a little whole for Kira to get herself under control. Sajani had made her laugh more than she had in her life, yet Kira would never tell her, probably. Finally she is ready to get back to work. “Do the restaurants all come out individually or how does that work?” and then she arches a brow. “The toilets?”
Lauren looks to see if everyone’s done eating, making to clear the dishes and take them to wash. She hesitates and watches “Can I take those?”
Avery has finished hers “Yes thanks it was great.” then she explains “The restaurants usually individually although sometimes if they’re friends one might pick up from another….the Greek guys, they’re friends. The Deli people are friends with the Breakfast Nook etc.” She gestures to the outhouse nearby “Everything we do here goes back to the earth, even our shit…” She laughs. “But it needs to break down, overwinter even for about three years at least.” She gestures to a trio composters made of pallets with dates written on them for when they were started and finished. The middle one has a pallet on top, like a lid and an indication not to use it “Left to right new to old. The one started before the fog we can use now. It won’t even smell anymore.” She looks at Kira “We’ll get the wheelbarrow and shovel some out from that one and put it down on the rows we still need to till and plant. Best to do it before. Did you...and I realize this may be a triggering question given they left you...but did your family garden when you were younger? Not that they would have been humanuring..” She laughs.
Kira looks at Lauren and nods. “Yes, plarse .. Thank you.” and then she turns her attention to Avery and listens with fascination to the workings of the fertilizer system When Kira asks about her parents and gardening she shakes her head. “No triggers. They didn’t garden. I guess that wasn’t in gods plans for them. I’ve seen every garden in town that I could get to. I am pretty sure no one there does humanuring and it may be possible they don’t know it happens here.” sh chuckles. “I didn’t, but my view on what is disgusting and what isn’t changed when I started living in my own shit, if that makes sense.”
Lauren has disappeared into the trailer with the dishes. The radio clicks on as she washes up and it’s music playing at the moment, just a random top 40 set with a few muffled commercials here and there.
Avery looks relieved she didn’t cause any triggers by asking about the parents. “You know I’m not a Christian but I can’t help but think gardening and taking care of the earth IS part of that book’s message right? Shepherds and shit?.” She hears Kira about living in her own shit and looks empathetic “When you don’t have someone to tell you to get off your ass and shower I can see how you could just exit that way. I know I didn’t care….I mean I’ve never been much for personal grooming but I REALLY didn’t care. My teeth could’ve fallen out for all the times I didn’t brush. Course now I have started to care I’m pretty sure there’s about 3 cavities going on…” she makes a face.
Kira sighs, but nods. “A lot of Christians sort of cherry pick the bible.” she comments. “My parents weren't into gardening, were into judging their neighbors and of course the whole sex before marriage thing.” She blows out a breath. “I noticed that the town has a dentist and an eye doctor now. Part of me knows I should go, but … I don’t know, Avery. I love that there are people here that never knew me. But I’m still scared.” absently she reaches for Grey to pet her. It’s a calming gesture and even the dog seems to know it.
Avery nods “I can’t imagine being so exposed in all of this. I think a few people know about me outside my family, probably my old coworkers by now from Thriftys….because Brayden pressed charges and we both pretty much left without a trace…” She swallows and looks off into the forest and then takes a deep breath and recomposes “We could do the dentist and eye doctor thing together. They don’t know us. They would just think we’re two nervous patients.” She offers with a little laugh “And I’m terrible at the dentist so it won’t be a lie with me.”
Kira nods and gasps at the mention of Breydon. “When I found out jack had hurt Breydon .. that’s when I decided to kill him.” she admits, swallowing hard and blinking. “I loved him .. so much. And Jack killed me … made it look like I had abandoned him. I’ll never get that back. It’s been too long and that girl is dead. The new Kira likes Braydon but … not like that. Not like that for anyone.” she blows out a breath. “We could go together. I have the Grey Lady now, at least. So .. maybe.” Then she shakes her head and sighs. “No … they’d separate us, eventually. But thank you for the offer.”
Avery hadn’t known about Kira and Brayden...at all. She didn’t go to school with them and her brothers weren’t close enough to either of them back then for them to have come over to the Peterson house. And she honestly hadn’t been paying close attention to the kids that age when she was 5 years younger. Now she looks conflicted and watches Kira talk about her love for Brayden and wanting to kill Jack after knowing he hurt him. And then she looks resolute as if deciding something. “I should tell you something before it comes back to you another way. I didn’t know you and Brayden had been involved before. I’m younger than you. But when Brayden I worked together at Thriftys we became really close friends, and then it kinda crossed over into more. Not for very long...because Jack ended it for both of us. Her raped Brayden first and I didn’t know...I thought Brayden like ghosted me or something. Then Jack attacked me too and I figured it out. I haven’t really talked to Brayden since except for one text I sent him telling him I knew. My brother Chris told my parents the rest….about the charges…...there’s more but I don’t want to overwhelm you...about Chris…” She waits, hoping Kira doesn’t hate her for her connection to Brayden. She really had no idea.
Kira listens, learning that Brayden’d had something with her. She shakes her head. “I was dead, Avery.” she explains patiently. “I hope he would have moved on and not mourned or been too angry at me for too long.” she sighs. Jack’s name just keeps cropping up. “Don’t tell me Jack raped Chris, too.” she almost pleads. So many victims and she never tried to stop it.
Avery shakes her head vehemently “No...thank god. He didn’t do that to Chris….but he did try to rape Chris’s girlfriend Noelle. Chris found her before he could do it and because of me….and Noelle….Chris basically tried to beat Jack to death. Chief Greene knocked him out before he killed him….I’m on the fence. I didn’t want Chris to lose his job or go to jail but it was also not something I could ever fault him for. Or you when you attacked Jack trying to kill him...God knows I’ve had my fantasies. Mine all involved hanging him…” She admits.
Kira sighs in relief that Chris wasn’t also a rape victim … they were all victims really … those with a family were, she feels. She nods. “No one told me about that, but it makes sense. Oh, Avery you have such a loving family. I envy you.” she blows out a breath. “But when I finally got the guts to kill him, he was already dead. But I castrated the fucker.” she considers. “His mother got them both .. the father and her son … maybe it was for her to do. I don’t know … I’m just glad he is gone. Did he .. did he taunt you in the streets, too?” she wonders.
Avery gets teary eyed and nods about her family. She would probably be dead without them. Her heart goes out to Kira. “I feel like the town should do some sort of memorial for Karla Rose...god knows what her life was. I know her husband was abusive...I could hear it...to both her and Jack. Maybe it made him into a monster….maybe he already was.” She starts to cry a bit “I didn’t stick around….but strangely I tried to go to work the next morning. I think I was a little out of my mind by then. And he was there….and he hugged me and whispered to me that he’d kill me if I told anyone.” She fully breaks down now “I ran home and didn’t leave my house until Mom brought me here…”
Kira listens and starts softly crying herself. She doesn’t comment on who made Jack Rose a monster or if he was just born that way. “He would put his finger to his lips when he saw me.” she does it and makes a shushing noise. “Or he’d put his hand to his own throat.” she shows that but only for a second, as her throat is a place she can’t touch herself. Probably no one can. “I’m so sorry, Avery. If I’d killed him earlier … you’d all be whole still.”
Avery shakes her head and wipes at her face “Kira you can’t do that to yourself. We can’t undo it...any of us and it was Jack’s fault. I’m so sorry he taunted you like that. No wonder you got so fucked up you couldn’t function. We can’t ever know the random factors in life. I mean what if Jack never existed and it was some other asshole? Other bad things have happened on this island...look at the Olin. Other bad things happen everywhere. I’m not trying to diminish ours. But I’ve been doing some online reading about women’s stories...I know it’s men too….but lots of the stuff to read is written by women. Some of it helps…”
Kira sniffs as she listens. It makes sense and Avery isn’t the first one to tell her not to take it all on. But she mentions the Olin and she barks a laugh. “The Olin. You know I tried to commit suiide by Olin?” she pauses and sighs again. “And suicide by cop … Chris … was one. He only disarmed and restrained me, though.” she considers. “I don’t know if I could read more. I know you and Brayden … we’re our own support, I guess.”
Avery’s eyes widen “Suicide by Olin? Shit….that’s one I haven’t heard.” She has to laugh about Chris “If you were a guy maybe...but not on the job...except Jack. Chris has a wicked temper but he won’t hit girls. He’s actually had a few girls try to pick fights with him and he just stands there and takes it or tries to restrain them, as you experienced. But stick him on a hockey rink with all that testosterone and a big burly angry dude and I almost think he loves it. Patrick has to haul him away….” She nods and looks conflicted again “Maybe yeah. I’m not sure Brayden wants to talk to me. I’m over him...in that way but I’m sure I remind him of all his stuff too. Like I’m sure I do for you.”
Kira scoffs. “It’s the Olin, right? How many people have died in those rooms .. they’re only one no. “I OD’d on heroin once in there and two men beat me senseless and left me … thinking I was dead I think. But … I wasn’t.” she sighs. “Yea. Well, Chris was before the Fog. After I tried it with Reinhardt. That big redhead. Same thing. Restraint. Then I tried it with the Chief.” she sighed. “Gentlemen all.” she almost giggles. “Now I want to live. I look out of my window and every day there’s less of that house. It makes me feel safer every time.” she sees the conflicted look. “We both probably do.” she suggests. “And men .. they react differently to rapes, I think. My doctor hasn’t really brought it up with me, but I bet he thinks I was hypersexual … because of the guys .. but that was … just … business. I’d need money usually. Or a shower. They gave it to me in exchange. Sex and not even good sex.” she snorts. “I haven’t had an orgasm in six years.” and then she closes her eyes and bites her lip, remembering who it was who gave her that last orgasm.
Avery listens to everything she says about the Olin and winces when she talks about being beaten and left for dead. She sighs about the cops “I’m glad our police actually do keep us safe here. I know that’s not everywhere...and not a truth for everyone. White privilege and all that shit.” She smiles about the house “That is good. I still kinda want my parents to move….even just down the street or something. I know it’s dumb maybe. I also know they want us to come home for Christmas dinner and stuff and I just can’t….” She thinks about what she’s saying about male victims of rape and looks pensive “I don’t know. I imagine there’s more stigma in talking about it….” She looks up at her “Doctor as in Dr. Singh? I know there’s a woman now too. My Dad told me to make an appointment. He’s actually buddies with Dr. Singh….maybe a little odd for them, or good since Patrick and Sajani got together.” She looks pained for Kira about the prostitution, or exchanges that were clearly exploitive. When she seems to be remembering something happy about sex Avery actually giggles “I suspect you’re going to say Brayden. It’s ok…” she laughs.
Kira huffs. “I know what you mean, but I lost all my white privilege a long time ago. But it would have been worse if I wasn’t white.” she drops that hot potato. “Well, they can move. They built those nice houses on the east side of 4th … very pretty and nothing like the brownstones. Who knows maybe even before Christmas.” and she sighs about males. “They are supposed to be invincible but … And yes Dr SIngh. He’s been my doctor since my first overdose. Stuck by me even when I couldn't speak to him. I think I’ll stick with him for a while. He’s safe.” and then she grins and shrugs. “Yea. It was him. Just before … I died.” she blows out a breath. “Someday I might even feel the urge to touch myself again, never mind have someone ELSE touch me. Baby steps. Definite baby steps.” but she giggles.
Avery listens and nods “They don’t need as many rooms now that the boys have a place…..” She smiles a bit about Dr. Singh. He was a kind man after all. She smiles about Brayden. He had been very sweet and considerate with her too. “Well memories are still nice. I can’t imagine getting close to anyone that way for a long long time. Baby steps”
Kira nods. “Definitely.” she looks around the farm. “I like this place. I really hope I’m not sucking at this job. I was all about the books, yanno?” she frets.
Avery laughs and shakes her head “You do not suck at this. You work hard, you learn fast. I’m glad you like it Kira. I like working with you and lately I don’t like working with or talking with most people...so that’s something. You’ve got down to earth sense you can’t get from a book, trust me.”
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