Amelie had taken her iPad with her to bed. The kids and their significant others had all pitched in and done the clean up from dinner. She could see Dante struggling. She had no idea the news was going to be about a suicide. She had given him an extra hug goodnight, and he had hugged her back hard. Gen seemed happy about it, She could tell Dante was affected personally. And he, like Paige, was family now.
Cath had made a late evening connection with Paige after supper that warmed Amelie’s heart. She knew Paige sewed, so she brought out her whole box of homemade puppets Sasha had helped her with and showed them all off. It was sweet.
And Rene just made friends with everyone. Amelie was glad he’d recently found a few kids his own age too. She could hear him in his room on Discord on voice with them. He was laughing and talking. It was a good sound.
Amelie assumed Felix had gone to his bed in the garage. They had connected a bit more even tonight, and had been. He was also seeing a therapist, and she hoped he was as helped by it as she was. But he had not come back to their bed. She ached for the warmth of his body beside her still, the smell of him, just knowing he was there. But he wasn’t yet.
Now she had to call Lisette. She wasn’t even sure how to begin. They had drifted. She and Brendan would sometimes come to the Paget Christmas dinners but leave before midnight mass, or much earlier if MC started in on Lisette. MC didn’t like that she and Brendan had moved away, even though Brendan had never lived in St. Pierre. She harped on them about not going to church and kept asking why they had no children. It was an inappropriate question in so many ways. I mean what if they were barren? What if they just didn’t want them? MC even made little comments about the length of Lisette’s dresses, as she also did to her own daughters. This pissed Amelie off the most, but she had never spoken up. So many times she wished she had said something, but like when they were kids, no one questioned MC. She would just try to be extra nice to Lisette to make up for it.
Amelie had texted and set a time to face time and Lisette, to her surprise, had agreed. Now she sat in her old frog follies shirt and worn old flowered pajama bottoms and FaceTime called her little sister. It rang.
Lisette sat in the kitchen of the house she once shared with Brendan. She was still dressed, but finally alone. Padding into the living room, she looked around it and then walked into the dining room. Amelie was going to call any second, and she couldn’t even pick a room to be in for the call. Blowing out a breath, she returned to the kitchen and opened the fridge, pulling out a bottle of blackberry flavored water. She opened it and moved to the back patio. Biting her lip, she sat at the patio table and sipped again. At least she was outside. Finally, the application polled up … it was Amelie. Picking up the phone, she answers it. She is in a purple tshirt with a rainbow on it, and she looks very tired. But she manages a half a smile. “Amelie. Hello.”
Amelie is sitting on her bed leaning against the headboard “Hi Lisette. This is probably going to be a stupid question but how are you doing? I’m so sorry about Brendan.”
Lisette looks up, then left and right, and finally at her sister. “I’m … hanging in there.” she drinks from the bottle again. “I mean … I’m as good as I can be?” she sniffs. “Thank you, Ame … Sincerely. Thank you.” she blows out a breath. “How are you? And Felix? The kids?”
Amelie watches her sister, trying to read her and nods “Understandable.” She could tell her million things about her and Felix and the kids but this was not the time “We’re ok. Adjusting to our move. The kids are doing well. Sasha and Gen both...well they both met significant others...it’s sweet. We got a puppy and Cath adores him. Rene is making friends.” She focuses on the good stuff. “Listen...Lisette. I was thinking if it would be helpful to you. I might try to come to Winnipeg. I know there are tasks...give me the work. Share the load. Would that help you?”
Lisette listened. She wanted details. What were the significant others names. What did they look like? Details on the puppy. Anything to not talk about her own life. “Oh they grew up.” is all she can say. Then Amelie offers to come to Winnipeg to help. To share the load. “Oh, no … I’m … I’m …” her voice cracks. “I’m fine …” she sobs and for a minute she only cries. She even sets the phone on and reaches over it for something. When she picks up the phone again, she is wiping her wet eyes with a tissue. “Could you?” she sniffs. “I … Have to … do everything. I … have to find a secular … cemetery. Brendan doesn’t want a Catholic funeral. He wants to be cremated. But … I don’t know … where …” she blows out a breath, clearly trying to get herself together. He glances to her left and in a second puts a cigarette in her mouth, then lighting it. She inhales deeply and blows the smoke out of her mouth. “I don’t know what to do, Ame … or I know what to do, I’m just … not sure how.”
Amelie feels all of his sister’s grief and anxiety surfacing and bubbling over. She was in so much pain. She was saying things that challenged her, although her mind was much more open now. And also, she was smoking? Since when did Lisette smoke? It had been a long time. She focussed on the feelings “I can hear how overwhelmed you are Lisette. I’ll come. We’ll figure it out together. I don’t have all those answers but I could do some research for you, even tonight.” Now she was so glad MC wasn’t the one trying to handle this or manage it her way. “I’m not judging, but I thought Brendan had been Catholic? I do understand if he made a different choice later.” She thinks of Felix and of her children who don’t follow it the way she does. “I’ll help you, Lisette. You’re not alone.”
Lisette looks relieved immediately. She inhales from her cigarette again. “Thank you.” She blows the smoke out of her nose. “Brendon was Catholic. Yes.” she inhales again and the cigarette shakes violently now. “He was abused … as a child. From seven until twelve. Father Millson. He …” she inhales on the cigarette again. “He never got therapy for it. I don’t even know if he told anyone but me. But he’s not Catholic anymore. We called ourselves ‘Recovering Catholics’. I guess I’m not Catholic anymore, either.” She inhales and exhales again, then stamps the cigarette out where the camera isn't facing. “Father Mills.on was in the news here. Some award for …” she barks a laugh. “His work with children.” she sobs. “That was five days ago. He called me two nights ago and told me he loved me … and I knew … I knew … I sent the police over … but it was too late. It was too late, Ame. Alcohol and sleeping pills.” she blows out a breath, downs half of her bottle of water, and reaches off-camera, putting another cigarette in her mouth. “Some social worker I am.” she says around the cigarette before she lights it.
Amelie looks truly stricken “Oh Lisette….poor Brendan...I’m so sorry.” She understood completely why someone would leave the church over that. “You say he called you and told you. Gaetan told me you and Brendan had separated? Is that correct? Not that the pain would be any less… Oh, Lisette, I can’t imagine… I just cannot.” Her Felix, out in the garage. If he took his life. She shuddered and hugged her knees to her and listened with all her compassion.
Lisette blew out another smoke-filled breath. “Oh, he told me years ago. It explained his drinking and how he never could … get it together. We wanted a family. But I couldn’t get pregnant. And yes we separated. But we were still friends. I still …” she inhales. “I still loved him.” she sniffs and takes in a breath that doesn’t involve her cigarette. “But we never went to … anyone's church. Do they even HAVE cemeteries without religious ... Overtones? Is that even a thing?”
Amelie hears her pain and feels it more. All the times MC had asked her why they had no children, she had tried and it didn’t happen. Then she thinks “I’m sure there is. I mean there are some big cemeteries, they can’t all be religious. I wish I had known Lisette. I haven’t been three for you all the years…” She feels terrible that her sister walked this path alone for so long.
Lisette sighs and inhales the cigarette again. “It’s not your fault.” she replies. “I have a therapist, so that has helped me over the years.” she sighs and takes yet another drag. “It’s not your fault. It isn’t JP’s fault of Gaetan’s fault.” she clears her throat. “I left the church and the family of my own free will.” she’s mentioned every sibling except for two, and their brother Sasha had been dead for years.
Amelie notices which names she’s not blaming and who is missing “Therapy is good Lisette. I’m glad you have that. I may have to drive to you. I was reading that all the airlines are filling the seats again and Vancouver airport just announced several flights incoming where people have once again had exposure to Covid 19. This stupid disease.”
Lisette sighs deeply and takes a final drag from her cigarette before putting it out. “Yes. Drive. I can’t lose my favorite sister.” she closes her eyes. “If you can find a place I can have a funeral and bury Brendon’s askes … I can make those arrangements. I just .. can’t … Google it.” she clears her throat.
Amelie nods “Lisette, are you up for a bit? I can do that and send you some links. You don’t even have to read them until tomorrow...let me at least start it. And then...pack.” She smiles a bit. “You are my favourite sister too and I love you.”
Lisette offers a half-smile. “I’ll be up … for a long, long time.” her sleeping has been nearly nonexistent. “I love you too, Amelie. And I’ll keep in touch. I promise. Just let me get through this first.”
“Of course. Text or call anytime ok? I’m just going to say goodbye for now to do that stuff. I’ll send you info and then talk to you properly in the morning. Goodnight for now.” She hangs up the call and then does a bit of googling. She uses the bathroom and brushes her teeth. Then her eyes dart in the direction of the garage and she gets out of bed and pads down the stairs and to the garage door. She poises to knock and then feels silly so she just pops the door open a crack “Felix? I have a question….are you awake?”
Felix is sitting up in bed, reading The Hobbit. A book he’s read so many times, he isn’t really reading at all. He’s in his green plaid pajama bottoms with no shirt. The door pops open and he hears Amelie all him. “I’m awake. Come on in.” once she does he will give her a silly frown. “Amelie, I could have been masturbating. If you don’t knock, how will the kids ever learn?” he mock chides. She’s had a rough day and he hopes he can lighten things, even though he’s curious what she wants.
Amelie shuts the door behind her seeing her shirtless husband with his old favourite book. Even though it had been 20 plus years together she still was affected by the sight of him shirtless. She cleared her throat a little “What if I was hoping to catch you?” She flirt teases back. They had been warming to one another lately and she hoped it wasn’t too much to say that one. She walks in further and sits down beside him on his air mattress and it sinks a bit “How can you sleep on this thing?” She wiggles around and then sighs “I talked to Lisette. She needs some help...well she needs a lot but there’s something specific I wanted to ask you about and I hope it’s not too sensitive. She’s looking for a secular cemetery funeral services...I mean I know some are all in one...What or where did you go to for Auguste?”
Felix hears her retort and murmurs softly. “Then I would be the luckiest man in the world.” He missed her. Sex, he was used to going without, but at least before, he could still sleep beside her, even if it felt like college roommates too cheap to buy separate beds. Then she sits and asks how he sleeps on the air mattress. “It’s more comfortable than the couch. And a real bed should be arriving tomorrow.” When she finally gets to talking about Lisette, he’s almost relieved. He takes a deep breath. “I had Aguste … interred at a place called Prairie Grove Funeral Centre and Cemetery. They’re secular and they aren’t expensive. Even I could afford it. They will cremate and offer her the option to bury the remains or take him with her. I had Auguste buried. That was years ago, obviously, but I am sure they are still open.”
Amelie feels an ache in her heart that a real bed is arriving tomorrow. “Felix…” She says sadly “You have a real bed.” She looks at him sadly “I was angry...I’m sorry. I never meant for this to become how we lived.” She closes her eyes and then takes a deep breath “The cemetery aspect suggests a certain permanence. I guess I just need to find out if they’re open for live services or only doing virtual. You’re saving me some time on Google.” Now she looks sad again “Brendan left the church because he was abused...by a priest..” She looks just horrified “I mean I know it happens….but it’s never been to anyone we know….that we’ve known about I guess.” She shakes her head and looks at him tearfully “They were estranged and he died. I don’t want that Felix….for either of us. I love you. I miss you.” The tears spill over and she rounds her back a bit, looking down at the air mattress.
Felix looks at her. “I’m not just sleeping here because you were angry, Amelie. You have to heal, and that will probably be easier without me in the bed with you. And … I can’t stand to be pushed away those few times you let me try and make love to you.” he emphasizes the word try. “It hurts me too much. But with both of us in therapy … I’m sure I will be back full time soon. Meanwhile … let’s act like we’re dating again, maybe. And see how things go.” he offers her the hope he’s talked about in his own therapy sessions. He switches to the other subject. “Well, you have the name. Give them a call … or have Lisette do it and find out.” he sighs deeply at the news of the priest’s abuse. “Fucker.” he growls. And then she looks at him and her tears cut him. “Amelie…” he licks his lips. “I’m not suicidal.” there is an odd tone to his words, but he isn’t sure now is the time to talk about it. “Let’s start the dates … if you want to. Do you think Dr. Henry would think it healthy?”
Amelie takes in all that he’s saying. The fact that he says he’ll be back full time soon does give her hope and the dates idea is sweet. They definitely had neglected those after having kids together. “I’ll call them but give her the website to look at if they have one.” She looks a little concerned by his tone when he says he’s not suicidal “I am glad to hear you say it.” She slides her hand to hold his. “I’ll ask Dr. Henry...but um Felix. I’m going to drive to Winnipeg. The flying thing is still scary with Covid. I think I need to leave tomorrow…. I know it’s sudden and we’ll need to call a temp agency...but I can’t have MC barge in on Lisette on this. She’s already so broken by it….I’m not looking for sex...believe me. But do you think maybe tonight after I pack we could just sleep beside each other? You can bring your book…”
Felix nods. “I’ve already put in a request for a temp online,” he tells her. “And I’d rather have you drive than fly. It feels safer. Do you have masks? I want you safe. Lisette too.” he sighs at the mention of MC. he knows no fore can keep that woman away from an opportunity to be a bitch. He looks at her and nods. Setting his book down, he takes her hand. “Of course, Amelie. I will happily sleep beside you, sex or no sex.” he looks at her. “I do love you, Amelie. But I can’t share that bed with that man anymore.”
Amelie looks at Felix with determination “Neither can I Felix. Believe me, I’m working on it. He’s taken enough from me, from us….I’m working on something in therapy...to not push you away anymore. I’m still journaling and talking through it but I wanted you to know. She and I came up with it together. Instead of pushing away, I pull you back…..and there’s the part that might get scary for me….then I have to tell you the feeling that made me want to push, and just stay with it.” She’s trembling a bit as she explains it all, clearly still working on it in her mind and heart.
Felix nods. “I know you are. And I am glad Dr. Henry is helping.” he listens to her and takes her hand, hoping it is ok. “I will listen to you, Amelie. Anything I can do to help, I will do.”
Amelie smiles a bit “I know you will. Tonight was great, with the kids, and you.” She squeezes his hand “It’s what I want more of. Not the death in the family calls but everything else.” She exhales “We talk a lot about me. How is it going with you...talking with Dr. Singh?”
Felix smiles. “I loved watching you tonight,” he admits. “Gurshan and I are working on me letting go … how I have to stop overprotecting you.” he blows out a breath. “It’s not easy. I realized that I started protecting you from things that might upset you … well .. after.” he sighs. “But it got worse with the kids. When they would upset you, or everything seemed to go wrong at one time. Tonight … the syrup … Taffy … even that call. You handled it just fine without me shielding you from it.”
Amelie actually hears him with an open heart “I know that you have done that. And sometimes it made me angry and sadly sometimes I reveled in it….because I knew you’d take care of things. But that’s not healthy either. I don’t actually want you to save me...from unexpected things...or even from myself. I just want us to stand by each other while we save ourselves. I know why it started and evolved. We just need to deconstruct that. Tonight I actually felt really bad for Dante. I didn’t know what Gaetan was going to tell us. I thought honestly it was one of our parents...they’re that age after all. I didn’t think he was going to tell us Brendan had committed suicide.” She exhales.
Felix sighs. “Not including Auguste, which had nothing to do with me protecting you … it all started … after.” he blows out a breath. “And I always felt that you were in so much pain from that incident, you didn’t need any more, so I tried to keep it all away until you dealt with that one wound .. and that wound never healed.” he nods about Dante. “Who expects that call? But did you see Gen? She supported him.” he smiles. “Supported … not shielded like her old man.”
Amelie has to smile “Our kids are the best of both of us. How did we do that? How did we not just screw them up?” She laughs “Isn’t that what parents do? God mine did...yours did. Maybe they’ll just have a safer path if we do the work now and they know. And it is healing Felix. We’re talking about it and so far I’m not being an idiot and putting up walls and saying things that make no sense. And you’re not trying to save me from doing it….so let’s try sleep?” She stands up with the goal to tug him by the hand until he gets up with her.
Felix nods. “A power greater than you and I.” he smiles and stands with her guidance. He lets her lead them to the bedroom and the bed. He still didn’t know what to call it. Hers? Or just ‘the bed’.
As they walk into the bedroom Amelie realizes she’s been a little messy as she’s had it to herself and she’s even piled a bunch of things on his side of the bed. Like a teenage girl with a boy suddenly in her room, she says “Oh god close your eyes and count to 40...I just need to..” And she rushes around and clears his side of the bed and scoops up laundry from the floor into a hamper. Amelie was normally quite the neat freak so this could be either amusing or alarming to Felix.
Felix looked at the bed and realized that, in this moment, the bed was unquestionably ‘hers’. He is alarmed at first because it felt like this clutter was a physical manifestation of the problems she was trying to sort through But when she told him to close his eyes, like a teenager, he folded his arms, then closed his eyes. He almost made a comment about the mess but kept his mouth shut.
Amelie laughs at herself as she sits down on the bed “Ok it’s safe. Sorry. I let myself get a little bit lazy. Maybe I clean for you more than me.” She admits. She picks up her iPad and finds the website for the funeral home and cemetery and then sends it in a text to Lisette:
Look at this one when you feel up to it. I’ll call you in the morning. Love you.
“I just sent that site to Lisette.” She looks at him. “Thank you for that.” The bed is also unmade but she shakes out the sheet and quilt and gets under it gingerly hoping he’ll still join her.
Felix considers her cleaning habits. “Then I think we need to start cleaning together.” he doesn’t want the stereotypical Catholic housewife. He nods. “You’re welcome. I hope it helps her.” and finally he pulls the sheet back to get into bed. He does it as he has for years. Dividing the bed up the middle in his mind and then sleeping past the middle of his side, so he is in no danger of touching her in their sleep. He relaxes and looks at the ceiling, not sure exactly what to do now. She could feel his weight in the mattress if that was all she needed.
Amelie felt Felix get into bed the way they always did and move respectfully to his side. She smiles at what he says about cleaning “I’d like that actually.” Then she turns and looks at him lying there in his own little space and she decides to cross over it and rolls to him, sliding his arm at the side down more and her arm across his chest and stomach. She lays her head on his chest and listens to his heartbeat if he’s allowed all this so far. A tear rolls from her eyes and onto the skin of his chest. She needed more than just him in the bed, she needed contact, not sex, just contact and love.
Felix feels her and closes his eyes. As he moves his arm, he feels her tear on his chest and tentatively touches her shoulder. He blows out a breath and realizes that he is afraid to hold his wife because he hasn’t in so long. Sniffing, he keeps his voice calm out of pure force of habit. “I would give almost anything to have 5 minutes alone with that fucker.”
Amelie hugs Felix fully after he says it. “He’s not worth any of them Felix. But we are. Let’s spend the time and energy on fixing us. Hopefully Karma or God or whatever will deal with him.” She lifts up her head and kisses Felix but not in a way that’s starting anything. It’s just a kiss expressing her love. They haven’t had many of those in a while either.
Felix knows she is right. “Alright …” he accepts the kiss and he lowers his hand to her shoulder, holding her “Gurshan isn’t having me keep a journal, but he wants me to make a note when I notice something.” he looks at her. “Like hesitating to hold my wife because it’s just not what we do anymore.” he clears his throat then sniffs. “But that will pass. I know it ill. I’ll do anything I have to.” he lets the whole weight of his hand on her shoulder. “I love you so much. I can’t stand seeing you in pain.” he clears his throat again. It felt to him like she’d been in pain every day since the rape. And he’d been watching it for 20 years now just trying not to let it get any worse.
Amelie looks curious about his therapy homework and nods “Well we need new habits where we broke the old ones...like this..” She settles her head back into his chest feeling like she was coming home to him somehow. “I know Felix. I love you too. I’m working on the pain. Mine took over and I didn’t even know yours. That’s an imbalance too I want to fix. I want to be there for you too…. I don’t want you to not tell me things because you’re afraid of seeing my pain or my reaction. That really does make me feel like I’ve been a terrible partner to you.”
Felix nods. “Well, I’m working on that.” he looks at her. “At some point, I’d like to downgrade our bed.” he uses his free hand to motion to their mattress. “This is a damn California King. We can sleep in here with all 4 kids and no one ever needs to touch.” that isn’t accurate but that’s not his point. “Maybe talk to Mary? Maybe that’s part of … what’s wrong with us? I’m not saying we should sleep on a twin, but … we sure didn’t make it hard to stay physically apart, did we?”
Amelie looks at the mattress “Well they’ve stopped crawling in with us...all of them. Probably best at their ages.” She laughs “And no to Paige and Dante crawling in...just no. I’ll cook for them every Sunday and hug them...but no.” She nods “We could sleep in a queen….I think you’re a bit tall for a double...and if we get a heatwave we might want a little bit of space. We can talk to Mary...or Gurshan…. I mean heck we could see if they’d see us together...like a double therapy date?” Now she has to laugh again “Our poor therapists.”
Felix laughs. “Well the bed is big enough for Paige and Dante too.” he gripes. “But I can’t afford all of the therapy.” he hugs her a second. “Let’s see if they will and if they think its a good idea or not. They had to know what they were in for. But goddamnit, Amelie … I will do anything to get the woman I love back and whole again.”
Amelie laughs and shudders a bit and snuggles into Felix’s hug “I am on a path home Felix, to myself and to you. Just please be ready to meet me when I get there.” She lets her head rest more heavily into his chest and feels her eyelids close. A smaller bed but bigger hearts. A smaller town but more open minds. There was a shift again in the energy between them. But the physical distance, at the moment, was close. Yet in the morning that would shift yet again, and it scared her. There hasn’t been a balance for 20 years between her and Felix and she wanted that to change. Needed it to change. Was determined to change.
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