2020-06-13 - Pay it Forward - Gareth and Kira

Gareth Dunham waits until both Michelle and Brayden have left for work before listening again to the song Kagsio dropped in his mailbox. It was his cover of Count on Me by Whitney Houston. He sent Kagiso a text:

Belated thank you for the song. I needed it. You knew. XOXO

Gareth sighed. He knew he still had a shit ton of work to do on his mental health but he was also aware now of just how many people were trying to help him and he was able to appreciate them instead of telling them all to fuck off. Kagiso, Kitty, Adum, Michelle, Brayden, Lydia, Ziggy, Theo, Simon, Logan, Hank and Nico, to name a few, had still reached out  even when he was an asshole. Dr. Henry had put up with the worst of it as she dug into his mental health. He couldn’t apologize enough to that woman now. He had help. He had lots of help. Now he felt like he needed to pay it forward and reach out to Kira, if she would talk to him.

He was dressed comfortably in a pair of old dark blue jeans and a black concert t-shirt from Pink’s Truth About Love Tour in 2013. He had taken a bus down to Washington to catch that show. His hair was washed but soft and unstyled, just blowing in the breeze and he was a few days short of a clean shave but he was showering regularly now and he had today. He wore a simple pair of black trainers. Despite not really working at it lately, Gareth was still just uncommonly attractive. He purposely walked on the opposite side of the street from the fire hall, hoping not to be spotted as he made his way to the police station.

Logan Reinhardt was polishing the ambulance.  Gareth Dunham had always stressed how important it was for the ambo to be clean and Logan was keeping it clean.  The act also kept him away from Gareth’s replacement Harrison Brice  Logan’s toughest job since Gareth’s initial hospitalization was making sure that he would be there when Gareth returned.  But Brice made that difficult.  Brice was perfect.  Brice was fastidious.  Brice was the perfect fireman and EMT … and Brice was going to be why Logan went to prison for killing Brice.  The man was not only fastidious but insisted that many of the shortcuts that Gareth had taught Logan were wrong.  Logan held onto them however, and within two weeks Chief Stanley had gotten involved.  The long and the short of it was … Gareth’s shortcuts stayed … and Brice bitched incessantly about them.

Now Logan looked up and saw, across the street Gareth Dunham heading towards the police station.  Gareth didn’t look in his direction and Logan guessed that he hadn't been seen.  He watched as Gareth entered the police station.  With a sigh, he continued to polish the chrome.  “Put twenty in my bail fund, man.”  he murmured.  “I’m gonna need it …”

Marcus Lawry walked out of the cell section of the station with a stainless steel tray with a stainless steel lid.  “You can take this back, Newsome.”  he all but ordered.  Newcastle grumbled but took the tray and headed for the door.  He noticed that Ulick was at the copier, so he faced the newcomer  “Can I help you, sir?”  he asked, politely.

Gareth had seen this officer around but didn’t know him. Quiet guy as he recalled. “Oh hey there….” He reads the nametag “Officer Lawry. I’m wondering who I talk to about visiting Kira Delmonaco if she’d be up for seeing me. I’m Gareth. Gareth Dunham.” He decides to qualify his connection in case the officer doesn’t know him or of him “I’m one of the EMTs…” He does a little thumb point towards the fire hall and smiles.

Marcus stood as the newcomer started talking.  He didn’t say hello back, but that was usually alright.  He read his tag, which was impressive, especially considering the man didnt’ seen angry.  And then he asked about seeing Kira and as he give his name, Marcus was already reaching for a clipboard under the desk.  On it seemed to be several sheets of paper of various degrees of shabbiness.  “You see me, and I do believe you’re on the list.”  he tells him and glances, double checking.  “Yup.  Just let me see your ID, then I’ll need you to empty your pockets into this tray…”  he pulls out a shallow plastic container.  “Then sign here…”  he sets the clipboard down with the pages folded over to the next signature.  “And I will bring you back.”  he takes half a step back and waits, silently.

Gareth knew this procedure from working in an aligned field in the town and he was undaunted, He had also packed his pockets with just the bare essentials in preparation. He pulls out what looks like a hemp fabric wallet and shows Marcus his work ID. Then he places the wallet and ID in the tray and from various jeans pockets pulls out a phone, his house keys, a partial pack of peppermint gum and some loose change, putting it all dutifully into the bin. He takes the pen and points with his index finger at the line to sign with his left hand while poising to sign with his right. He sees the other names above him are Dr. Gurshan Singh, Sajani Singh and a name he doesn’t know - Natalie Sokal. He stops snooping and signs his name in the spot and then turns the clipboard back around to Officer Lawry “Think I’m all set.” He says casually.

Marcus watches the process and, indeed, Gareth got it right.  “Yup.”  he replies and turns.,  “This way.”  he poems the door and walks through, holding it for Gareth.  “Kira.”  he calls over to the far cell.  “You have a visitor.”  and he will move to the corner and stand, not really tuned into the two of them.

Kira is sitting on her bunk and reading a dog eared copy of The Hobbit.  Her long and matted hair is gone, replaced with a short style that looks in itself, confident.  Even in Jailhouse orange and slippers, she looks better than she did in high school. Or so people have told her.  Her cell has a few things in it, including a long blue sweater with no buttons on it in case she got cold.  Hearing Marcus’s voice, she looks up from her book and, for a moment, looks confused.  She sets the book aside and moves towards the bars, af if unaware of who her visitor is.  Then again she’s never really seen Gareth in civilian clothes before.

Gareth walks in slowly, not wanting to overwhelm Kira, knowing she has a shit ton of trauma and getting it. “Hey Kira. Look at you...I love the hair.” He gestures at the chair as if asking permission “Mind if I hang out for a bit…?” He’s off duty but he’s unconsciously shifted into his soothing a patient EMT tone of voice. After all that is how he knows her best. He takes in her oddly cosy prison cell.

Kira still doesn’t recognise the man as he approaches and compliments her hair.  Unconsciously her hand lifts to it.  But when his voice subtly changes, she knows him.  His voice.  She nods, also motioning to the chair and, as he sits goes to confirm it.  “Gareth Dunham?”  She speaks slowly .. but she speaks slowly, almost as if she isn’t sure of the language, but in reality she was still trying to be comfortable using a voice she hadn’t in years.

Gareth, nods, smiling “That’s me. I wasn’t sure you knew my full name.” He says with a little chuckle as he sits. And then he still smiles but stops chuckling “How are you doing in here?”

Kira vaguely smiles back.  She had been coming closer to smiling lately, as her life began to improve.  Just the lifting of both corners of her mouth.  “Dr McKinney told me.  Many times. ‘Gareth Dunham brought you in’.  Gareth Dunham brought you back’.  Like that.”  she looks around the cell when he asks how she’s doing.  “Better.”  she replies and then goes on.  “I’m learning.  That fundraiser.”  she blows out a breath.  “So many people.”  she reaches out and touches the bars, unable to find the words, although she is searching.  Not wanting to keep it totally silent, she looks at him.  “How are you?”  she asks, looking at him, carefully.  He looks different.  More than just being out of uniform.  His hair seems longer and she absently strokes her own chin, noting how Gareth has a few days growth of beard.

Gareth notices the attempt to smile. He hears her words about what Dr. McKinney said and it was true. But he doesn’t want thanks or glory for his work. “I was just doing my job…..but I was glad to. I’m happy you’re ok Kira.” His eyes water a bit and he swallows quietly and blinks a few times. Then he smiles about the fundraiser “I heard about that. I bought a ticket but I gave it to my foster sister. Did you like the music? Kira you’re talking really well.” He can’t help but comment. He’s met her in pretty much a nonverbal state. He seems surprised by her question, her awareness of others “I’m ok….thanks for asking.”

Kira watches him.  Listens to him, but she shakes her head.  “Just the job .. you put in an I.V.  Set a bone.  Put me on a stretcher.  Dump me at the clinic.  The job isn’t the tone of voice I remember.”  she clears her throat and wipes at an eye.  Moving on a bit, she nods.  “Loved the free concerts while we were gone.  I stayed on the edge.  Thought no one could see me, but they saw me.  Aqoustic Spirit and India Tor remembered me?”  she places a hand on her chest, disbelieving.  Then she nearly smiles again.  “I talk to Dr Singh, and the lawyer.  Mostly Marcus.”  she chin points to the corner where Marcus appears to be looking at a logbook.  “Natalie.  My lawyer.  She wants me to practice … for .. court.”  she blows out a breath and looks anxious about that part.  Then Gareth says that he is alright and Kira gives him a slightly different version of her slight smile.  “Liar.  That house.  Those people.”  she shakes her head.  “You are like me.  Haunted.”  she looks at him, as if confirming it to herself.  She can’t place it, because there’s still too much on her plate to examine Gareth’s too thoroughly, but she knows something haunts him like something haunts her.

Gareth is taken aback by not only her articulation but her calling him out. His jaw clenches a bit and his eyes water anew. This time he lets her see it. He swallows as a tear escapes and he wipes it away and nods. As she goes on he smiles and comments “Kagiso remembers everyone...so does India.” But his emphasis is on Kagiso. He nods encouragingly about her speech practice for her legal journey. When Kira calls him out again he actually gives a little laugh “Yeah ok….I’m more than a little fucked up about all that. Had a little stay in the clinic myself...mental health stuff.” He admits fully. “But I’m working on it.”

Kira sees the tear and nods.  “I thought …  I wanted to be …”  she pauses and thinks.  “Invisible.  Nothing.  They are nice … talented.  I am no one.”  she shrugs and wipes away her tear.  “They ruin everyone they touch.”  she growls, but then seems to consider.  “Not all.  She did good.  She did right.”  she blinks again and another tear falls.  “She made us safe.”  she sniffs and takes a cleansing breath.  “Heal.”  it’s nearly an order.  “I need you to heal.”  she pauses, bites her lip and nods.

Gareth looks pained by her saying she wants to be invisible. “Kira you are someone. You’re here, alive, doing better than I’ve ever seen you. You are important.” His voice is again his comforting EMT tone, and also just his comforting tone he uses with friends. He tries to decipher the next part, understanding from his own mess in his head that she has many layers “Do you mean Carla Rose?” He asks carefully. He smiles tearfully at her demand for his healing and nods “Like I said, working on it.” He wipes at his eyes again. “You too eh…” He sort of teases.

Kira shrugs, still on a teeter totter when it came to her worth.  She nods when he asks If she meant Carla Rose.  “Yes.  She deserves a parade.”  she sighs deeply, knowing the woman had died too.  She can’t understand it yet.  Too much for her to sort through.  When Gareth teases her, she almost genuinely smiles.  More than she has so far.  “We work together?”  and then the smile vanishes and she reaches for the bars of her cell.  “Safe here…”  she murmurs and points to the other side of the bars.  “Scared.  Not everyone is on my side…” she blows out a breath and her fear of getting out someday is nearly palpable.

Gareth closes his eyes when she confirms about Carla Rose. “I tried to save her….I couldn’t…” He confesses part of his deep struggle. He sniffs and opens his eyes “Yeah...working together.” He smiles a bit. He looks around her cell and listens to her “You’re afraid to go home? They’re trying to fix up your house. You know I live on 3rd too….have since I was a kid. It’s a good street Kira, safe. I grew up in the Alvin house across the street from you as a foster kid. Do you know Lydia? She makes everyone feel safe…..she’s right across the street. I live at the other end now with the Kims. I’m a border. Knowing your neighbours might help you….you could get an alarm system too...or a nice big dog..” He sounds like he’s joking about the dog and realizes an animal might be a lot to take on.

Kira turns her head to the side when he says he couldn’t save Carla Rose.  “Ja …  He kills everyone he touches.”  she tries to explain.  “I died, but I still breathe.  To me, she died long before that fire.”  she sighs.  Then she nods about being afraid.  “I remember seeing you at school.  Lydia saves too.”  she nods.  The knowledge that he lived at the Kim’s was new to her.  He hadn’t the last time she was in that house laughing and kissing Brayden.  And since then, she was not aware of who lived where because she knew she was not welcome … unless she could give the resident something they wanted.  When he mentions an alarm, she snorts a derisive laugh.  They didn’t give her security and she is about to say so when he mentions a dog.  She looks thoughtful.  “An animal.”  she muses.  “Like me.  Maybe it would protect me.  Love me?”  she shakes her head at the latter.  Better to have the former in her mind.  “Maybe …  I could afford a dog?”  she murmurs.  It was the best idea anyone had come up with yet.  She wouldn’t be alone and it could protect her.

Gareth knows of Kira’s trauma, more than she knows of his. He gives her a knowing look “But you’re still here Kira. Maybe born again...not like the religious thing but just a new lease on life. Lydia saves.” He confirms “I came from a house as bad as the Rose house. Lydia saved me from that….I coulda turned out like Jack if she hadn’t. Who knows…” He shudders. He brightens about her response to the dog idea. “Dogs are great Kira. The Alvins always had at least 3….plus a fair few cats….not like the Brates mind you.” He laughs. “I’m more a dog person myself. Cats are too aloof for me. Dogs will love you. You just need to feed them.” He chuckles “With everyone being so generous you could probably get that sorted out for a while. Let me ask around if you’re serious….I know a few vets.” He muses.

Kira listens and learns about Gareth’s childhood.  She doesn’t say ‘I’m sorry’ like others might.  She only nods, slowly.  “I’m .. not that Kira.  I'm new.  Maybe born again.  No.  I don’t know.  New start.”  but she manages a slight smile.  “A priest offered to bless my house when its clean again.  I told him he could.  Couldn’t hurt, right?”  she was not a believer, really but … any little bit helped.  Then she listened about the dogs.  “I like dogs.  And I'll have a job, if I can pay bail.  Or my lawyer gets charges dismissed.  She has a lot of hope.”  she scoffs.  “Maybe I can get a dog.  A support animal.”  she blinks as that’s the first time that idea has occurred to her .. or anyone else.

Gareth snorts “We have a priest? Not that I’m dissing it...I’ve just never seen a church or any collars. Huh…” He squints a bit “Did you say you have a job?” He’s curious about that and then nods enthusiastically “A support animal yeah….you can even apply for stuff about that so the food and vet shit is covered….you still have to pick up the actual shit.” He quips.

Kira snorts another laugh.  “I don’t know .. he’s here tho.  A Jesuit.  They were fighting priests.  I did a paper in school.”  Then she nods.  “Mayor says I can work at the Farm.  Not so many people out there but … I have to walk through the North Woods … to get there …” and then she nods.  “I’ll call the social worker … and my lawyer … try and set that up.”  she sighs.  “Apparently I am insane enough to qualify for a bunch of shit.”  she bites her lip.  “I been cleaning up shit a long time … a dogs shit is no big deal.”

Gareth actually looks amused by her now. Kira was funny. He had no idea. “I’m impressed you remember papers you wrote in school. Course I usually fucked off and didn’t hand anything in…” He admits and then grins “Farm girl...I could see that. You know you could probably get a ride out there…..there are cars...golf carts. Someone would offer. And I think you should write insane enough to qualify for a bunch of shit on all your forms. I don’t actually think you’re insane Kira.” He lets her know he was kidding about the first part. He snickers about the dog shit.

Kira shrugs.  “I was going to graduate number 1 in my class … Before …” she snorts about being a fram girl.  “I’ll walk.  Or run.  If it feels safe.” she says a little too quickly dismissing the rides.  “There men in town … they might not like …. Me to not be … so … I dunno know .. so … not needing them.”  and then she snorts again.  “I am a lot of things.  Before … it was like I heard my own mind snap … and I .. fight my thoughts.  Like when I’d see you.  I’d have been ith one of those men .. for drugs or for food and they were bad … part of me knew .. and part of me wanted them to throw me out a window and kill me.”  she looks at him.  “You kept me alive until I could live.”  maybe a nonsensical sentence from any other mouth but hers.

Gareth looks impressed. He was total shit at academics. Then he frowns about the men who have exploited Kira “Kira you feel free to call the cops if any of those guys try anything on you ever again. You didn’t do anything wrong there...they did. That’s not how it’s supposed to go. It’s not your fault.” He tears up again at her words about until she could live and swallows “Then we need to make sure that happens fully. You don't have to take any shit from anyone Kira.” He offers her words back to her “Heal.” He parrots “I need you to heal. You need you to heal.”

Kira bites her lip and pulls into herself a little bit.  “I didn’t?”  she is still back and forth.  “I used them because I needed food .. or money .. or a shower …”  she tightens her jaw.  “The cops would arrest me for prostitution … finally.”  she sighs deeply.  She looks at him when he tells her she doesn’t have to take shit from anyone and wants her to heal. “WE need to heal.”

Gareth smiles and nods “We do. And those offers of kindness...of really basic human decency should have been done without the expectation of sex. I mean they could have asked you to paint a fence, walk a dog, shovel snow. Or they ould have just been decent fucking people and given you a meal or a shower because you needed that Kira. I’m sure you’ve had friends offer who didn’t expect anything from you.” He’s clearly agitated about the men who took advantage of her and the fact that it was Kira who got arrested.

Kira sighs and nods.  “I … didn’t approach my friends.”  she admits.  “When I came out of my house.  I was so ashamed …  And I was such a mess … they didn’t know me at first.  I don't want to ask them for help.  It makes them think.”  she sighs.  “And .. my parents … called me a .. whore … so much before they left … I’m smarter than that but I wasn’t smarter than that.  How does that work?”

“It doesn’t. It doesn’t work...it wasn’t right Kira. I’m sorry that happened to you. I get the shame thing. It’s hard to carry. Your parents are assholes. That’s no way to talk to a child especially not after what happened to you. You’re still smart.” He’s noticed she’s really speaking freely now.

Kira sighs and shrugs.  “They’re gone.  They left me the house.”  She is still speaking slowly, but it's becoming more articulate.  “Dr Singh keeps asking me about them.  I think he’s a nice man but I think he wants me to forgive something I can’t forgive.”  she sighs.

Gareth looks like he really gets it “You don’t have to forgive them. You don’t have a relationship with them.  Sometimes forgiveness is overrated. It might help if you forgive yourself though.” He shrugs as he’s still on the path himself.

Kira looks at him for a long time.  “I feel ruined.”  she finally says.  “I don’t know if I can forgive myself … if I didn’t do anything wrong … why would I need to?”  she looks thoughtful.  “I did what I had to do to survive my circumstances….”  She listens to herself.  “See … right there … I don’t sound insane?  Or broken.  But I’m a fucking china plate broken against a tree in the Forest…”  she hitches in a breath and holds it for a minute, trying to calm herself.

Gareth just nods while she talks and then says “I get it.” And then he qualifies “By forgiving yourself I didn’t mean over what you did to survive…..but the things you say to yourself after. I’m sorry if I was off the mark for that one you. I should shut up sometimes and just listen.” He acknowledges and then smiles.

Kira blinks a few more times as Gareth speaks.  When he suggests shutting up, she shakes her head.  “I missed debate class and I didn’t even know it.”  She grins.  “You understand because you died too. I love my friend Sajani, but she … can’t relate to me.  Not anymore.  Or her boyfriend Patrick…  or anyone but you or someone else who has died like us.”  she glances at the floor.  Like Brayden…”

Gareth has to smile about debate class. That was definitely for the bigger brains than his. Then he looks a little shattered “I died when I was seven years old Kira. I’ve had more time with this than you. I could bullshit you and say it gets better…..it gets different.” He gives a little small smile about the connected names of Sajani and Patrick. Good job Patrick, he thinks. But then he gets serious again and hears her say Brayden. “You know Brayden’s kinda my family now. I didn’t know you knew him or….knew about that…..” In truth Michelle and Brayden had been so busy making sure Gareth was ok that he hadn’t really checked in with Brayden about his stuff in a while.

Kira nods slowly.  “I figured that out.”  she sighs.  “Why doesn’t the therapist get that?  I can’t be healed.  I can only learn to be different.”  she Blinks.  “You live with them.  Of course.  I …  saw him and … saw … it?”  she sounds thoughtful.  “Thats why I decided to kill Ja…  Rose.  I was loose.  Maybe.  But Brayden loved me.  Before.  And Rose killed him, too.  I decided to kill him.”  she sighs.  “She .. his mother .. beat me to it.”

Gareth notes Kira’s coherence speech shifts as she’s more upset. He hoped he was being more help than harm “I think there are levels of healing Kira. You’re talking now. You couldn’t before. Believe it or not I’ve been there too...not for as many years…” He looks pained for her “You wanted to kill Jack because of Brayden?” He gulps “You guys must have been really in love….I had no idea…”

Kira nods about her talking again.  Practice makes perfect.  Then he talks about Brayden.  “Yes.  I just waited too long.”  her face softens.  “I did love him.  I just vanished … maybe he bought my parents bullshit about a brain disease.”  she snorts.  “Because I wouldn’t have abandoned him for anything…”  she sighs deeply.  “At least I have some memories of that dead girl that was me.”  she knows she can never go back… there’s too many scars and … too much jack between she and Brayden. 

Gareth pulls up one knee and hugs it to him, leaning his arm on it and listening with genuine sorrow “He and I have never talked about you….from then. I moved in probably around the time it all went to shit for you and you disappeared. Brayden was having a tough time but I didn’t know why. I didn’t really know him well at all. But I can tell you this. I don’t think Brayden Kim is capable of hating anyone except Jack Rose. He’s just too nice of a guy. Do you want me to ask him if he’d be up for coming to visit? Would you be up for it?”

Kira almost mimics Gareth’s body language, but pulls both knees under her chin.  “Yes?” she whispered.  “I want him to know that Kira loved him.  I don’t expect anything from him.  But he is a good memory.”  she full on smiles, thinking about that happy place.  “The best…”

Gareth looks at Kira sweetly, happy to see her happy “I’ll ask him. And I’ll tell him that too. See? Healing…”