Every day except for Sunday for years now, between 9am and 11 am, 3pm and 5pm then finally 9pm until 11pm Alexandra AM Radio station CKAR 98 aired The Walrus and The Carpenter show. The rest of the time was piped in music of various kinds, often hosted remotely from either Kagiso Jackson’s Aqoustic Soul Studio or from the small studio that Quentin Tyrell ran from the building he lived in. Small town life.
The 9am show was the Office Wake-up, as it started at the start of business hours instead of covering any kind of morning commute. There were only 7 or 8 streets in Alexandr so … what commute? The 3pm show was called The Coffee Break, as this was often when Alexandrians were taking just that and/or preparing to go home for the day. Finally, the 9pm show was called After Dinner Mints, as many listened after their dinner and before they went to bed.
Hosting the show were Walter McLeod, more famously known as The Walrus. Walter had once had an epic handlebar moustache and so his nickname was The Walrus. His beard had grown out and he trimmed the stache but he still did look a little walrus like. Partnering him was Sally Carpenter … The Carpenter. And like the Disney cartoon, Sally was smaller, thinner and quieter than Walter. They had once tried to be a couple … and that had not gone well. But ‘the show must go on’ .. and it had. Their radio show was far nicer and more fruitful than their relationship had ever been at one point.
At 9am, anyone tuning in would hear a part of the old Disney song.
“The Walrus and the Carpenter were walking close at hand…”
And that was their intro, because no one was going to pay Disney for more than a few seconds of song. But since the Prime Minister had delivered a hilarious misspoken speech, there was an additional clip; one they didn’t have to pay anyone for.
“Keep two meters apart. Speaking moistly.”
Sally spoke when the clip was over. Today she is wearing a long bohoesque skirt and turtleneck, but over-all, in keeping with her “The Carpenter'' persona, she has a short overall dress over her clothes. “Good morning Alexandra! I hope you are all NOT walking close at hand, but washing them up to your elbows, keeping 2 meters apart and above all NOT speaking moistly!” either she or Walter said this at the beginning AND the end of all of their shows now. Part of the new normal.
But it was Walter who introduced them as the hosts … because the Walrus came first.
Walter leaned right into his mic with a cheeky little grin as Sally “Good morning Alexandra. You’re listening to Alexandra Radio…..CKAR 98 on the AM dial. I’m Walter McLeod and this is my host Sally Carpenter and we’re The Walrus and the Carpenter.” His voice was deep and booming but polished when he was on air. “Starting you all off with some local news….”
“Yesterday morning a video was released on the Aquistic Studio YouTube Channel. Showing some beautiful footage of Alexandra with our own young Tony Penhall singing a Fame cover with Kagiso Jackson playing music and India Tor in the background. It is in honor of the strength of Alexandra ..we are unstoppable. As a special treat listener, Sally and I have a recording of the song to play for you now….but be sure to give that YouTube channel of theirs a like too. Support our local musicians.” There’s a tiny pause after Walter’s segway and then the song begins.
Sally’s voice comes in when the song finishes. “And that was Tony Penhall singing Fame. Best of luck to you, young man.” she grins into the microphone. “In other news … the deconstruction of the Greybar building will be delayed into June. As you know, the Greybar building, despite being brand new, was declared too dangerous by architect Mint Portia and Alexandra Fire Chief Stanley. Our Mayor Brate agreed, citing the need for the concrete, steel and glass of the building for the town's infrastructure. Of course that was when we were who knows where and didn’t know if we’d ever see another Earthling again … But now we’re back .. and in the pandemic, the surgical deconstruction has REALLY slowed things down.”
Walter booms back in “Surgical deconstruction…..you know Sal...sometimes I picture a bunch of dentists with those little scrapers when I hear people say that. Which fits with our crazy times. Mind you we’re not going to the dentist right now either, not that i miss them. I mean you go for a cleaning and they scrape you and then use that machine that feels like it’s shaking your cranium and then they offer you flavours for the fluoride treatment. What flavour do you get Sal?” He passes it back. Morning radio was a little bit of news and a whole lot of life’s minutia.
Sally is nodding, even though there is no one at their window at the moment. Their show was this … two people talking about what was happening. “Oh I hate them ALL, Walter. But I was almost looking forward to my dentist appointment and being lectured for not having one for almost three years. Why? Because I was looking forward to the dentist hearing about what happened to us and sending me to a shrink for the GOOD drugs. Bless Dr Singh, but he didn’t have the good drugs for us while we were in that ring of Fog. And after all we went through, we came out in a PANDEMIC? Seriously? Like life on Alexandra isn’t strange enough!”
Walter laughs loudly “Oh I’m sure you could find good drugs if you looked.” He takes a breath and continues “We’ve always had the monopoly on weird though. I feel like it should be on the town flags. Welcome to Alexandra, the weirdest place on earth. I mean do you remember the Pleiades Cult back in the 80s? Waiting out there in the forest in the buff chanting under the stars….The Shift is Coming! I mean I respect all religions man….but that was some weird shit…..”
Sally initially quips back. “I would but you always get snooty when I search your pockets.” and then he continues. Listeners may hear a thump like something hit the microphone. “Language, Walter! Now give me back my shoe. But yes I remember them. They left and now we have … what’s his name .. something Wright … living in the old lighthouse .. now the Cedar Point Memorial Museum. So Aleandra still has nuts in the North Woods.”
Walter howls with laughter and thumps the table back “Did you sanitize that shoe Sally? If the answer is yes….you can check all my pockets, Saves you the trouble of looking for nuts in the woods.” He can barely contain himself now and he knows he’s pushing his luck, on air and with her so he switches gears quickly “Let’s take some callers. Alexandra, we want to know what your favourite thing to do is during quarantine? Tell us your top suggestions for staying sane in lockdown. Remember the number to call or text is 604-555-2526...or CKAR at the end if that’s easier. Come on callers…”
Sally snorts. “I’ll give you sanitize.” no one sees it but she takes her shoe back and immediately picks it up and threatens to throw it again at his comment about nuts. Damn social distancing. Walter mentions the beginning of the ‘talk hour’ and she smiles as she immediately notices the board light up. They never had assistants to work a board or screen calls. Alexandra could be picked up on Alexander .. so any crank caller was 95% likely to quickly be identified and dealt with. The last 5% were slowly identified and dealt with. So she picks one of the four suddenly flashing lights indicating waiting calls and pushes it, making the call live. “You’re on the air with the Walrus and the Carpenter.”
The voice isn’t nasal. It’s more snooty and know-it-all. “This so-called quarantine is absolutely ridiculous.” the man began, breathing heavily. “All this fuss for a trumped up flu. The Chinese developed it in a laboratory and released it. Maybe accidently and maybe not. That has yet to be determined.”
Walter had been ducking from Sally’s next show throw and then sits up tall again and looks at the board and can’t contain his laugh “The Chinese you say? Are you forgetting how hard it hit them first there buddy? So uh we can add conspiracy theories to your list of relaxing habits.” Walter often got in deep with the callers but the controversy always boosted the ratings of the show “But you know...for a little light in the dark, can i recommend wii bowling or porn hub?” He let his head drop into his chest squishing himself into a solid ball of raucous laughter.
Sally let out an exasperated breath. “How DARE you, sir!” she chides. “How dare you make me agree with WALTER!” she sighs. “PornHub is still offering free accounts. Maybe give it a shot?”
The man huffs. “Liberals.” he grouses, coughs and the call suddenly cuts off.
Walter snorts in victory “Ah liberals. Next caller you’re on the air with The Walrus and The Carpenter….”
A saccharine sweet voice breaths “Hello Walrus. It’s Lorna, Lorna Stevens. I just saw you today.”
Walter looked a little spooked. Lorna was an experience. He looked wide eyed at Sally and then cautiously asked “And how are you keeping busy Lorna?”
Lorna giggled and then dolloped out “Well I’ve been knitting. I like knitting. I made sweaters for all my cats….all 12….we lost Bitsy last year to the ice cream truck….she was embalmed in rocky road...just how she would have wanted it…”.”
Walter just blinked and mouthed at Sally “Help me…”
Sally blinked when Lorna announced herself. In the middle of reaching to pinch the bridge of her nose, she checked the motion. But as Lorna talked, Sally's head moved forward and down until it rested on the console. Then she sat back and gave Walter a look even as he asked silently for help. Leaning forward into her microphone, she spoke in a sweet voice. “Oh, hello Lorna. Knitting is a wonderful way to pass the time. But you’d better watch ose dozen cats. Megan Brate is always on the lookout for a stray.” she suspected this wasn’t as true as it was, because their daughter was handful enough. “So sorry to hear about .. Bitey, was it? Anyway, dear. We have callers waiting, but before that,we have to take a commercial break. If YOU need cat food, go to Thrifty’s. Not only the best grocery in town .. the ONLY grocery in town!” and she starts a couple of commercials to give them time to do things … “Jesus Walter. Don’t stick your dick in crazy cat lady.” she stands and heads in the back for a bathroom and to wash her hands up to the elbows.
Walter stared after her as she moved “Fuck me Sal, my dick’s not going near that...she might try to knit it a fuckin sweater. K it can’t get anymore batshit than those last two right? Maybe you should text someone and ask them too…” But she was in the bathroom. He took out his phone and then pocketed it again with a sigh. She was back and they were back from commercial he led them in “And welcome back to The Walrus and the carpenter on CKAR Alexandra radio. That’s 98 on your am dial and don’t touch that dial folks because we have another caller. Good morning you’re on the air?”
Sally and Walter don’t have a producer to screen calls, so she has no choice but to pick a button and hope for the best. “You're on the air with The Walrus and the Carpenter!” she ll but cheered. “What do YOU do to relax?”
“I pray for the safety of all the humans in this town.” a nasal woman's voice cam on the line. “Did you know that that .. that .. DOCTOR .. has hired a veterinarian and a veterinarian assistant to work at the clinic? How is that medicine? Doesn’t she know the difference between a human being and a damn DOG?”
Sally threw her head and both hands up in exasperation. Three calls, three nutjobs. “Did YOU know,” Sally began. “That the Alexandra Clinic has ONE lab tech, who is working 18 hour days I heard. Plus they have TWO nurses but only the ONE doctor to staff a hospital with NINE beds? When was the last time anyone saw Susan McKinney outside in the fresh air?” she was working up a good head of steam. “Dr Alvin and Theo Alvin are DESPERATELY needed for this town to administer Covid-19 tests! We have, last I heard, 17 sick, 20 recovered and two dead! I don’t care if she got Dr WHO to administer the tests and neither should YOU!” yup … sometimes Walter wasn’t the most … animated.
Walter looked amused by Sally but he did agree with her as well. He leaned into the mic “Ma’am, if i may, consider this. Now as Sally said our front line medical professionals are overrun and they are truly our heroes. Has it ever occured to you though….the level of bravery you need to be a vet? I mean somewhere out there in nowhere Saskatchewan a vet is jacking off a cow….so that there can be baby cows and we can all have cream…...so respect the vets. Besides you might get a nice shiny coat out of it……” He doesn’t give her time to reply but moves to the switchboard again “Let’s take another call. Hello you are on the air with the Walrus and the Carpenter. What are you doing to stay sane during the pandemic?”
A wry sarcastic woman’s voice answers “Well I can guarantee I’m not jacking off a cow. I suppose it could be argued that my husband’s more of a bull…” She giggles and continues “Anyhow I find it very relaxing to listen to your show Walter and Sally and take comfort in the fact that I’m not related to any of the other wackadoos who call in here. I also ordered two cases more of Bear Ass red and it’s coming to me they say by tomorrow….you do what you gotta...cat sweaters, prayer, porn hub...it’s all good…” She trails off.
Walter gets a look of recognition on his face at the voice “This wouldn’t be Steph Reinhardt now would it?” He continues after she laughs and acknowledges with a little “Yep.” “Well I’d like to get in on some of that bare ass action with you...what time is your husband’s shift till?” He’s answered with a dismissive laugh like that is so not happening and he sighs a bit “Well thanks for enjoying the show…”
Sally also recognizes the voice and her mood rises again. “Thank you, Steph. Love to the whole family.” she knows it’s her turn again and she inhales deeply and exhales, taking another call. “Hello! You’re on the air with The Walrus and the carpenter! How do YOU handle isolation?”
A gruff gravelly male voice answers “Well hiya Sally, Walter, Alexandrans. Let me just say...you motherfuckers need to step up your game. Don’t worry, I can say motherfucker on the radio. I double checked.” Nick gave a little throat clear “Now, here are some suggestions for entertaining yourselves….whitling, digging holes….ax throwing. Keep limber….keep your wits…..”
Walter doesn’t know this voice but he feels like they’ve just stepped into some kind of Twilight Zone Western “Ok John Wayne...thanks for the advice….mind the ax….” He looks at Sally like what the hell.
Sally doesn’t recognise this voice either but she shrugs. It isn’t a cat lady. “I .. um … thank you? I’ll pick up some branches on my way home? Um .. sir?” she pauses. “Thank you for calling.” She cuts the call off and grabs a paper and pen. Hastily she scribbles and holds the paper up for him to read.
Why do I always get the crazy ones?
Walter gives Sally a little eyebrow wiggle at her note and then reaches for the switchboard “Well folks that’s all we’ve got time for today. Thank you to all our callers and tune in next time on the Walrus and the Carpenter. Thank you Sally. Everyone keep two metres apart and don’t speak moistly now.”
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