2020-05-23 The Jaded Journal and The Book Fairy - Sajani and Kira

Kira Delmonico sat in her cell with a very interesting tablet computer delivered to her by her guard.  She turns it on, inhales deeply and begins to thumb type.

May 23, 2020 - Dr SIngh gave me this journal and wants me to write in it.  It’s on a tablet and there's no pressure for me to write, so maybe I won’t sound like the retarted crazy bitch that probably more than half this town thinks I am.  Much as I hate to admit it, it's a good idea.  He said just write my thoughts as they come to me.  Here goes.

Sajani is going to bring me books.  I can hardly wait.  The graffiti on the walls isn’t real inspiring and I’ve counted all the cracks in the ceiling in my cell. 43.  Maybe I’ll get out of here before it collapses and kills me.

I must be getting better if I can say that.  Guess that means I don’t want to die anymore.  But how the fuck am I supposed to live? 

The social worker is named Ruth Reader.  I’ve seen her around.  She’s not a bad person and she seemed frustrated telling me thatWith everything going on and me being in jail the government considers itself to already be taking care of me.  So no aid for me for a while.  I guess there is some sense in that.  I’m in jail and can’t afford bail.  3 hots and a cot, right?

Every day they bring Daisy in to see me.  She’s the police dog.  I always feel safer with her in my cell than out of it.  But she’s still a cop.  So far not a single one of them has managed to kill me, but maybe that's a sign?

I’m not on suicide watch anymore.  Maybe that’s a good sign too.

Being in jail, I eat better than I did out of it.  Zabat’s, The Breakfast Nook, 10 Alarm.  Nothing like bread and butter before Jack Snow fucks me or cheese before Malik Warren does.  Good food.  Clean not out of dumpsters.  I’d gain weight but I do sit ups and push ups just to keep from dying of boredom.

There I go again talking about living.

Dr. Singh keeps asking about my parents.  How the fuck am I supposed to talk about them?  Religious nutjobs who called me a slut when they caught me and Brayden making out and a wwhore when Jack Rose raped me up my ass so bad I almost had to crawl home.  They ignored me and then left me here.  The nicest thing they did was leave me the house so it's considered mine I guess.  They signed it over to me.  Homeless homeowner.

I know I’m all fucked up.  And I know it’s because of Jack Rose raping me and not getting any support of any kind from my parents.  I can’t blame my friends.  Most of them were gone to school or working grown up jobs when I finally had to leave the house to find food.  And even then, I didn’t look like me anymore.  I heard about the brain infection my parents told everyone I had.  So everyone just thought I was crazy from that.

There are no windows in this cell.  Every day it's not raining, they take me out back and let me walk around their little corner of Central Park.  I walk a little, then sit on the bench and stare at the trees or the sky  Alexandra really is a pretty town.  People see me.  Sometimes they point and sometimes they stare.  Because of the news I guess.  First I was the bitch that burned the Rose house.  Now I guess I’m the stupid cunt that castrated jack Rose after his mother killed him.

Marcus Lawry might be one of the nicest cops here.  No.  I guess most of them are nice.  Newcastle might be the worst.  But Lawry is the one that guards me during the day.  Low man on the totem pole I guess.  He talks to me.  So do some of the others.  I like the one called Lynch.  Her name amuses me.  Reinhardt came in too to bring me my lunch.  The Chief comes in sometimes and talks to Lawry about how I am doing.  He watches me from a distance but not in a creepy way.  Considering I tried to get both him and Reinhardt to kill me, I’m surprised they even talk to me.

Why can’t I talk as nicely as I am writing?

A couple days ago, Dr Singh wanted to talk about the good.  People who have helped me.  At first I just stared at him, but then I thought about it.  There really have been a lot.  Giving me food and sometimes money. Not like Malik Warren or Kevin Bitterson or Gino D’Antoni or Jack Snow or even Greg Kitner.  They only give me food or a shower if I gave them a blow job or fucked them.  People like Buni or Mr Zabats or McLeod at the grocery store.  Nice people.

But I think mostly he meant people like Ani.  He called her a support person.  And I know she’ll bring those books as soon as she can.  They had given me a radio but when they started talking about me on The Walrus and The Carpenter show it got taken away.  Thanks Walrus.

Mostly I think my biggest support person is Dunham.  An EMT.  He’s pulled needles out of my arm.  He patched me up when Malik threw me up against a wall.  Probably even times I don’t remember anything but waking up in the clinic.  But I remember him the most.  Waves of memories of him hovering over me telling me he was going to get me out of wherever I’d gotten into.

Dr. Singh told me I’m good with names.  I am.  Useless gift.

I wonder if I will just be in here for 5 years.  Chief Green told me that’s the maximum sentence for desecrating a corpse.  I’d sell my house except it's in such fucked up shape I can’t imagine anyone would buy it.  How can I clean it up if I can't get out?  And where do I start?  This is where I get all overwhelmed.  Catch 22.

No money. House with a hundred health code violations.  No money.  Can’t clean my house.  No money.  Can’t bail myself out.  No money.  No lawyer to keep me out of a 5 year sentence.

I don’t get it.  Why don’t I want to die anymore?  Everything would be easier if I could, but I can’t die and I can’t kill myself.  So I live.  Catch 22 again.

LAWRY SAYS ANI IS HERE WITH MY BOOKS!  Fuck writing here!


<>


Sajani Singh made her way to the Alexandra PD with her backpack full and heavy laden with books. She also had another medium sized shopping bag in one hand and her big colourful purse over the other shoulder competing with the pack. Today, she kind of wished she drove a car, or had a ride. Regardless, she was strong enough. She just might feel it in her shoulders later. Sajani spoke to the officer on duty at the desk and was sent through to the cells. She tried to breathe through her mouth as the stale smell of urine and musty mattress assaulted her. She was here for Kira. Her nose would just have to deal today. She took the little plastic chair and set it down in front of Kira behind the bars. “Hi Kira.” She offered sweetly as she set down all her bags. “Oooof….” She was wearing her little denim dress over her mustard yellow v neck t shirt and a pair of calf length colourful tights. She had sandals on her feet and her toes were still painted pink. Her father had told her to bring a notebook and pen so she got that out first and put it between them.

Kira had been counting the ceiling cracks again when Lawry announced a visitor.  Her clothing choice was the same as always; an obnoxious orange jumpsuit that was too big for her, even in the size small, and jail slippers.  Her hair was as matted and ild as ever, but at least now it was clean.  She smelled of soap and deodorant. She shut off the tablet and stood, seeing Sajani at the bars.  Nervously smiling, she also waved hello, then said.  “Hi.”   Then, again her eyes took in Sajani, followed by bags and bags of books.  Blinking her eyes fill, she sniffs and tears begin to fall.  Kneeling, she reaches for the pad and paper.  “Thank you SO much!!!” and gives them both back.

Marcus Lawry steps forward.  “I just have to inspect those, ma’am.”  he says in a deep but soft voice.  He also smelled of soap, deodorant and some mild spice, probably from the 10-Alarm.  He takes the bags with the books and moves over to a corner, sitting and taking the books out one by one, flipping through the pages and inspecting any dust jackets.

Sajani smiled at Kira and then of course handed her backpack and the smaller bag over to the officer “Of course Officer.” she said respectfully. She was glad they dealt with her purse at the front desk.  Both Kira and the officer smelled way better than things lingering in the cell area. The backpack was mostly paperbacks. The books were Charlotte’s Web, The Life of Pi, The Time Traveler’s Wife, Sense and Sensibility, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, The Boundless, An entire box set of The Chronicles of Narnia and The Secret Life of Bees. In the other bag are some women’s toiletries; a small shampoo, conditioner and soap, some moisturizer, deodorant, tampons and pads and a box of peppermint chocolates. She waits patiently while all is inspected and smiles again at Kira.

Kira nods when the Bags are taken.  Inhaling she points to him and says to Sajani.  “Mar … cus ….  Law … ry.  Guard.”  she exhales.  “Good.  Never.  Knoww.  Me.”  she looks a little melancholy.

Marcus goes through a few more books, then for variety’s sake, he goes through the other bag.  Glancing up when he hears his name he nods.  “Nice to meet you, ma’am.  I know Kira’s been looking forward to this visit.”  he goes through the other bag faster.  “You got some good stuff here, Kira.”  he tells her.  “I’ll set you up a locker for all of this.  “Only three books at a time, but we can cart them back and forth whenever you need them.”  and he goes back to the books, almost as if searching every single page for something.

Sajani smiles warmly at the guard who seems to be treating Kira with such kindness “Good to meet you Officer Lawry. I’m Sajani.” He was a new face to her, which on this island was something. She turns back to Kira “Kira you’re speaking really well.” She comments. She read the notepad again and then left it between them. “I didn’t know what you’d feel like reading so it’s a bit eclectic.” She noticed a tablet in Kira’s space “Oh hey, do they let you on the Wifi?”

Kira smiles and nods at Marcus.  She knew the rules, but hadn’t had anything for her commissary or whatever they wanted to call it.  Looking at Sajani, she shrugs.  “Try … talk … your dad think good for .. me.”  and then she beams at the books Marcus is sorting through and then, when Sajani mentions the wifi she blinks and looks at the tablet as if seeing it for the first time.  She slaps her forehead and goes to get it, saying.  “Stupid.”  she picks it up and begins thumb typing fast.  When she hands it to Sajani, it reads.  “No wifi but this is an electronic journal your Dad gave me.  But it can help me communicate faster anyway.  Thanks SO MUCH for the books!  And talking is hard.  I stopped for a long time.  It feels funny now and its hard to do.  I’d say it was the brain infection but that was never a thing.  Maybe it was the drugs or alcohol from the stills.  I don’t know.”

Marcus continues to go through the books, the consummate professional.

Sajani looks encouraging at Kira and nods and then says “You are not stupid Kira.” She takes the tablet and reads “Nice, and you’re welcome…” she looks a little sad about the next bit and just says “It’ll get easier the more you do it I bet…...like riding a bicycle.” She hands the tablet back. Sajani notices Marcus still looking at the books and chuckles “You can read them too Officer, as long as Kira gets first pick.”

Kira shrugs again.  “Hope.  so.”  She blows out a breath and looks at Sajani for a long time.  Then she picks up the tablet.  “Some things happened over the years.  It might be physical.  From beatings.  You’ve always been so kind and sweet.  What I went through would just give you nightmares.”  she hands the tablet back.  “What. One. You.  Want.”  it is a side she’s not even shown the doctor.  A friendly side coming back as she comes to trust this day guard.

Marcus is through most of the books.  “Well … I’ll read this after you do.”  he holds up Charlotte's Web.  “Childhood favorite and don’t tell anybody.”  he mock warns.  Then he goes back.  Only the box set of Narnia books left.

Sajani listens and then reads, looking up sadly at Kira “I’m so sorry Kira. You’ll be safer now..” Seh really hopes this is true. She smiles at Kira’s interactions with Marcus. There she was! Sajani beams as the big tough looking cop reveals he likes Charlotte’s Web. She leans into Kira and wipers to ehr like she did in high school “Oh my god that’s too cute….” And then she hands the tablet back “Have you had a lot of visitors?” She knew about Patrick of course and her father who was working.

Kira almost physically smiles at Charlotte's Web.  It’s the slightest upturn of the corners of her mouth.  But then she makes her smile sign.  “Deal.”  she says aloud and takes the tablet back.  “We have dirt on a cop now LOL.  Maybe I’ll be safer.  I guess.  Nothing can hurt me in jail.  But I want you to be like it was in high school.  Be my light through darkness.  I want that so bad.  Patrick visited me.  Your Dad.  Social worker named Ruth Reader.  No good news.  No aid for me because I’m in jail.  They figure they’re taking enough care of me.  I can’t pay my bail.  My house is a train wreck.”  Suddenly she stops and stares at her words then begins again.  “You’re my light.  Tell me how you’re doing.  You mentioned Patrick and then he visits me here.  Anything there?”

Marcus has gone through all but one book and he makes quick work of it.  “All clear.  The Chief has a file drawer in his office for your personal stuff.  When you want it just let me know.  I’m gonna catalogue aloof it now, so you know exactly what you have.”  he stands and goes to the Chief’s office door, knocking, then opening the door and speaking to Josh.  He pulls his head out of the office and has a clipboard.  He sits in a chair in a further away corner, making notes and going through the bags yet again.

Sajani looks hopeful at the almost smile and then watches her type again after she speaks to Marcus. She takes the tablet back and reads as Marcus goes through and back. She giggles at the first part and then nods “You will be safer...I know it.” She looks touched by the comment about her being Kira’s light and gets a little teary eyed. She just felt so bad for Kira. She blinks a bit and nods “I knew about Patrick...and my father of course.” She frowns a bit about the social worker and the complications. “There’s got to be something we can do about those things Kira…” She sighs and then smiles again, this time a little dreamily “You’re in jail and you want to talk about boys?” She teases. Then she sighs again “Yeah, something there…” She can only put into one word “Love.” She hands the tablet back looking distracted.

Kira nods in Marcus’s direction as he begins to catalogue all of her things.  It’s wonderful to have things, but it also makes her feel like the Alexandra jail is a home now.  She listens to Sajani and again shrugs at her hopeful thoughts.  Then she shakes her head.  “Catch 22.”  she says slowly and then she nods when Sajani asks if she wants to talk about boys.  Motioning around herself like take my mind off of all this.  When she says that one word about Patrick, Kira again almost smiles and takes the tablet back.  “I am so happy for you.  Patrick always got a look around you.”  she pauses in her typing, then goes on.  “I want to say I am still your best friend, but I’m not .. not after 6 years of hell.  But I still want to be a friend again.  The kira you know .. Jack Rose killed me.  I don’t think I will ever really recover, but thank you for treating me like a human.  And thank Patrick for me again.  And his brother.”  she hands the tablet back.

Marcus keeps cataloguing.  It’s not a small job.

Sajani reads and smiles “You noticed more than I did I guess.” She keeps reading and looks up at Kira with tears streaming down her face “Kira, you will always be one of my very best friends. You didn’t choose what happened to you. I feel so guilty for not knowing any of this sooner. You should not have had to do all this alone. I’m so sorry. I’m here now. I’ll visit as often as I can.” She wipes at her face and her eye makeup is running a bit as she hands back the tablet.

Kira bites her lip and takes the tablet.  “How could anyone know?  I was in my room healing.  Mom and Dad lied to everyone because they were ashamed of me.  They took off in the middle of the night.  I only left the house because I ran out of food and by then I didn't know me.  How could anyone else?  If I ever get out I want to try and be normal.  Go to Perk with you.  Pay my way. But I don’t know how anymore.  It’s frustrating.  I’m in so much shit now.  So overwhelmed.  But I'm glad you’re still a friend cause I need them.”  she hands the tablet back, tears going down her face now.

Marcus is only half listening as he catalogues.  None of the words are setting off any alarms, so he doesn’t interfere.

Sajani is still crying as she watches Kira type and then even more when she takes the tablet and reads again. Before she says anything, she reaches out for Kira’s hand. “We’ll get you your life back. Maybe not the one you had because of course this changes you...but not this either..” She looks pointedly at the cell. “Kira this won’t be forever. You’re brilliant and strong. People will help you. I’ll help you.”

Kira takes Sajani’s hands, her face feeling strange still on her face.  But it was part of her healing.  “Thank .. you.”  she says aloud. “I don’t know about people.  Just the ones I know like you.”  she takes in a deep breath, feeling quite tired.  Most of her visits were emotionally exhausting and this one was no different.

Marcus finishes the list of things and leaves the bags by the door.  He turns his eyes towards the far cell and sees the women holding hands.  Rules prevent that kind of contact for the safety of prisoners and visitors, but he makes a judgment call, knowing Kira the way he does.  Let them touch.  It won’t hurt anyone.

Sajani nods tearfully at Kira “Well start with me...the rest will follow. She gives her hands a squeeze and lets go, wiping at her face. “You just said a full sentence there...you know that?” She grins “Remember all the poems we had to memorize in school...and the Shakepearean monologues…..you were so good at those. I wonder if that would help you with speech stuff?” Sajani’s brain really never stops. Every problem must have some logic to a solution somewhere.


Kira freezes when Sajani says she spoke a whole sentence.  She opens her mouth.  “Holy shit….”  Then she makes her smile sign.  “Maybe …  i try.” she promises, but then shakes her head.  “Maybe ….”  She makes a frustrated noise and uses the tablet.  “Maybe I’m safer in here.  It’s only five years … right?”

Sajani giggles at the swearing and makes the smile sign back to Kira. She sees her frustration and then reads on the tablet “There’s no way you’ll be in here 5 years…..I won’t believe that…” She sighs, not knowing all the answers for her old friend. “I don’t know all the answers Kira but something will happen. It has to.” She passes the tablet back. She had seen Kira look tired and wasn’t sure how long she should stay so she watched her for cues.

Kira gives the smile sign with her hand, then takes the tablet.  “Be optimistic for me, Ani.  I’m always moving between a little hope. Indifference and despair.  And I’m tired.  It’s all so tiring.  I need some sleep.  But please keep in touch?  Please?  Visit when you can .. but don’t abandon your fireman for me!”  She remembers that she had not had much time for Kira with her boyfriend, but she understood better as an adult.  She hands the tablet and leans against the bars, waiting for a reply before she lays down.

Marcus watches, but for now remains casually sitting.  He can tell Kira is getting tired.  She slept a lot, but that made sense, considering.

Sajnai looks understanding after reading “Of course I’ll keep in touch. And no I won’t abandon Patrick, ever.” She says this resolutely and stands up, shouldering her big colourful purse. “Enjoy some books though. I can bring more once you’re through them. Patrick might even have some too.” There’s an obvious shift in how she talks about Patrick that really shows the two of them are a solid couple in Sajani’s mind. “Talk to you soon Kira. Sleep well.” She’ll wait a bit to see if there’s an answer and then head out after giving a little nod to Marcus “Good day Officer Lawry. Enjoy Charlotte’s Web.” She’s still amused by the idea of him sitting there reading it.


Kira smiles at the tone of Sajani’s voice.  It tells her a lot about how she feels and reminds her a little of how she must have sounded when she was with Brayden.  That makes her sigh but nod.  “I will.  Thank you, Ani…”   and she waves, watching until Sajani is gone, then slumping a bit more.  She takes her tables to her cot and sits.  After a minute, she sets the tablet back at the foot of the bed, lays down and falls almost immediately to sleep.